The above picture is me internally screaming.
Well it’s because I ran into the industry insider that I want to work with, and the situation was so awkward that now I just want to hide. Here’s the backstory:
I mobile ordered food from Starbucks and went to the cafe I normally go to, to pick it up. I walk in the building and she is there fixing her coffee. I walk past her trying to avoid eye contact because, 1) I just woke up and I look rough, 2) I didn’t want her to think I was just in there to follow her. Still as I turned around from the pickup bar, food in hand, we made eye contact. I mustered a smile even though I died inside, grabbed some napkins and rolled out as quickly as I could. Later I saw her post an Instagram story of her pulling up to the cafe shortly before I got there…
Now I look REALLY suspicious for being in the same place at the same time.
Just put me out of my misery now. 😔
Actually I think I’m just a trash actor regardless.
Ok maybe that’s a little harsh. However, I just saw the short film I worked on in school and needless to say: I’m not a fan of my performance.
My acting through screen coach says it’s not great to watch yourself on screen as it dashes your confidence. I’m inclined to agree. Film is a different beast from live theatre. It requires smaller movement due to the fact that the camera picks up every little detail on your face. For me, it’s not just my reactions that annoyed me, but my vocal inflection as well. It just sounded like I was reading the lines as opposed to breathing life into the character I was playing. It’s going to take a significant amount of more training for me to be comfortable with putting myself out to potential projects. Aside from the upcoming film I’m working on in the summer, I’m definitely not auditioning for any other projects in the meantime.
This is so disappointing.
(Taken last night when I walked into the house.)
I made it! It feels so good to be home too. Yes, things are finally calming down with school, but I still felt scattered and out of sorts. Landing on American soil not only rejuvenated my spirit, but calmed some of the anxiety I was feeling.
A couple of good things came out of my move to Ireland. 1) I’m down 20 lbs with 40 more to go. As long as I continue to work out while I’m home I should be able to shave off another 15 while I’m here. 2) I have a deeper appreciation for what I had back home. Things look less bleak and I’m ready to work my butt off as well.
I hope to post more now that I have a bit more time to work on my own projects. In the meantime, I’m going to rest.
(Source: Student Problems Facebook.)
One. More. Class.
Then I fly out on Tuesday morning back to the United States, and not a moment too soon. To say this semester kicked my ass is an understatement. Yes, it did improve, and so did I. However, the steps it took to get here were super treacherous. This trip back home will be a bit of a reprieve.
There are some updates I wanted to include in this post that I talked about in recent days:
• I’m no longer in the professor’s course that disrespected me in front of the entire class. I had to take the case up with the head of my major’s department and the academic dean to move me out of his class. I was moved to a different professor’s course where I’m ACTUALLY LEARNING my craft and it’s not being treated like a contestant for the teacher’s favorite student. The original professor still infuriates me. Not only in how he treated me, but the rumblings I’m hearing from how he is treating the other students. It also doesn’t help that he’s industry (working actor) too. If I ever have to work with him in a professional setting and he is disrespectful to me again, I hope I will be in a position of power by that point in time to call him out on his bullying instead of taking myself out of the situation like I did in class; which made me feel powerless. I suspect that is what he wanted all along. To make me feel powerless. He is a bully after all.
• The classmate finally came around and contributed the bare minimum to the group project and no need to “correct” my paper. Between my friend who also worked on the project calling them out their lack of effort and my email, it seems that kicked them in the pants enough to do some work. I hope to never have to work on another project with them ever again.
• The short film I worked on is coming together fast! We only shot it this past Wednesday and there is already a rough cut that was sent to the directors and the producer/writer of the production. Soon I hope to use some of the footage for my own show reel. Finally a friggin reel. It’s all coming together.
Aside from the updates, I managed to book another fit modeling gig back home and apply for some mini gigs. I’m also teaching at the dance studio this month starting next Thursday. My reprieve will be a bit busy, a bit profitable, and most of all it will be at home. I can’t wait!
(Source: Student Problems Facebook.)
It’s the last week of the semester, and, like always, there is fuckery afoot. There are a couple of projects that involve groups that I’m a part of, that are due this week. One of the projects in particular is close to bringing out “HR/Corporate Shamma.”
Why? Well, one individual in particular who has:
•Not consistently attended class.
•Not answer questions when asked on the group chat.
•Only wants to participate in the project according to their own terms and not the requirements of our professor. (Meaning they want to delegate all of the tasks to everyone else and do nothing themselves.)
Now has the absolute gall to send me an email requesting to forward all of my work to them, in order to make “corrections.”
They already showed their ass from the start when when they tried to accuse another student in the class of being flaky; when in fact the accuser is flaky as hell! Second of all…corrections? For what? They weren’t in class when all of the notes were taken and the professor knows I’m writing the paper. He has a keen idea on who’s been putting in work and who has not, so any “corrections” this person has to make is a desperate attempt to look like they did something.
Another point I want to add, is the background of this individual. Like me, they came from a previous profession (not corporate) before diving into Drama School. Which means they are also carrying a massive ego by thinking they are better than the other students here. But here’s the rub: the class we have this project for, is more suited to my previous industry than theirs. It’s the reason why I’m writing the report in the first place. Also, while my previous profession has been pivotal in how I navigate this industry, I’m not shitting on the other students for not having those skills. Instead I’m offering them up to be used to get us the best grade possible.
These skills are going to be dusted off, again, for the most scathing corporate email I can possibly write to this classmate. Including a corporate jargon way of conveying they are not getting my notes and go to hell.
I just had a long talk with my friend and classmate about memorization. Namely, we’re memorizing too many different texts. Since we have 10 classes, each class offers something different:
•A scene from an Irish play for Monday’s class.
•A piece of text from “The Tell Tale Heart” for the Tuesday morning class.
•A Shakespeare monologue for the Tuesday afternoon class.
•A scene from an Irish television show for Wednesday’s class.
•2 songs off book for vocal rep.
And that’s only this week.
Memorization is incredibly helpful, and over time, with enough training, I can memorize quickly. However, with stress, a varied schedule, and too many texts to learn, I’m far too scattered. With the way my brain works, I need to dedicate more time to learn a show or a piece of text than maybe the average person.
I pray to survive the semester with all of my texts in place. But I wish I could dedicate myself to one piece of text at a time.
(Source: Image Orca Pinterest.)
Is it possible for a scam to bring people together? In my case and many others, yes it did.
A “recruiter” messaged me a few weeks ago to tell of a a beauty campaign featuring diverse faces and body types for a campaign. I was wary of it at first, but I was also wary of a strange email sent to me about a film (MUDA) that turned out to be very real. So I asked for more information and they sent me an email regarding what the campaign is and what the contract looks like.
Before I agree to anything, I typically do research to find out more about the companies involved as well as the campaign. Shockingly these scammers did an incredible job at crossing their “T’s” and dotting their “I’s”. They provided real companies, real discount codes for their products, a genuine conference call with everyone that would be working on the shoot, as well as a real location as to where we would be staying. Unfortunately, but fortunately, the veil lifted for everyone soon after and it was revealed to be a scam.
The silver lining in all of it was that everyone scammed was on a group email and we all corresponded with each other after the big reveal to figure out how we can fight the scam and stay in touch. Now we are a community that follows each other on Instagram with the hopes that we will collaborate on projects in the future. It’s definitely possible: many of us are models, actors, recording artists, bloggers, and brand ambassadors. Movers and shakers in this industry that are making big things happen.
I’ve been fortunate enough to not be pulled into an elaborate scam that affects my safety or my finances. Those people are out there and it’s concerning that they would go to such lengths. Take this as a warning: do all of your research, ask questions, ask others that are involved, and if something doesn’t feel right in your gut, walk away.
My anxiety is at the same heightened state it was when I had that bad audition last December.
I’m not saying I’m an amazing actor, but I was better and calmer in 2016 and early 2017. After September 2017, my confidence was completely wrecked by the fact that I started having horrible panic attacks. I’m having trouble remembering my lines. My ability to listen and react is pretty much gone. It’s a whole mess. Now, I have stage fright…
I never had stage fright.
Even if my best wasn’t good enough, I would try to go with gusto and power through. I just can’t do it right now. I have one more month before I come back to the U.S. and I’m counting the days. I think one of the first things I will do is see if there is an affordable therapist to help me with this. I’m long overdue for a check up at the doctor, since sometimes my panic attacks are triggered after I consume food. I want to fix this for good.
A break from performing may be in order as I don’t see the situation or my ability improving. I still have a film and a show in the summer, so that will give me time to get the assistance I need.
(Source: Student Problems, Facebook.)
It’s officially day 1 of my week break with the school…it was needed.
An incident happened with the professor I was beginning to have conflict with that left me angry, in tears, and pretty much left the classroom never to return. I reported the incident to the head of the department and we are trying to find a way for me to still earn the credit without returning to that class. I will share more about what happened on Thursday and Friday after the break because it’s an ongoing issue that keeps spiraling.
For now, I have a ton of assignments to complete before the week is over:
•Reciting a monologue in Standard British
•Completing an essay for music theatre history class.
•Do research for event management class
•Practice my comedic Shakespeare monologues for one of my acting classes and read the two books that professor required us to read over the break.
•Learn a scene from an Irish play for my other acting professor.
•Last, but not least, watch a handful of movies and submit a side I created for acting on screen class.
It’s a lot and somehow I’m supposed to fit a social life in this week as well. Time to get to work.
I use this meme because it’s a process of appointments to get approval to work here. Especially with so many educational offerings from other theatre schools that my school does not offer in the slightest. Like:
•Casting and Auditions
•Stage Combat (primarily Rapier and Dagger work)
The Casting and Audition course is particularly interesting to me because that last audition I had back in December, I bombed completely. While my professors talk about auditions, they are not really touching on how difficult the process actually is. In fact many working actors in the thick of the industry say that auditioning is a skill of its own. Once you get a booking, doing the job is super easy.
The next beast to tame is the showreel. As I mentioned on a previous post, the hardest part of booking work has been a lack of a reel to present to potential casting agencies. Mainly due to not being cast in low budget or student films who are not paying me, but will compensate me with reel footage, but in order to be considered for a part, I must have a reel first…..
(Source: Twitter. Same, cute little dog, same.)
The workshop that is offering this is also teaching advanced techniques in working in film along with production of reel footage for me to use.
Of course, to cap it all off, there is another Stage Combat workshop that I want to take. Clearly I can’t get enough of this art, especially since I would be training in a brand new weapons category.
Two of the three courses are being paid for from my previous modeling jobs. The third I will need to find a job to pay for that course. Wish me luck!