13 Reasons Why

I have not seen this show. I’m on the fence about it really. However, since I’m connected to my family and friends on social media, they have opened up a platform for discussion.  Here’s why I’m on the fence about it:

In the recent past, I have felt suicidal. Believe it or not, getting accepted to school kind of saved me from stepping off of the ledge so to speak. 


(Source: paprika.tumblr.com and Buzzfeed)

A time when it was really bad was this past Summer of 2016. I was so depressed and nauseous, that I couldn’t eat. I had hoped that starvation would have been my end. Even now I question why I survived my car accident. So watching this show may be too much of a trigger for me while I’m trying to get my mind right.

While (thank goodness) I have never been a victim of rape, I have been a victim of bullying when I was 12. It was a horrible experience and I was triggered with those feelings again when the poor girl Amy Joyner Francis, who attended my sister high school, died after being jumped by several girls in the bathroom. They bragged about her death afterward on social media. I still don’t think they were punished enough in court. Watching a show that includes this would only put me into a tailspin of rage.

There are reports that the character’s suicide was a subtle act of revenge. That somehow in her death those who wronged her now are suddenly overcome with grief, guilt, and completely change their ways…As I wrote in the paragraph above, the girls who caused Miss Francis’ death felt no remorse. The only ones who did were the people who loved and supported her to begin with. So that right there, is an almost guaranteed backfire. On top of that, it’s almost sociopathic…Here’s my explanation, one of the friendships I had to cut off recently was due to Self-Victimization. She took a tragedy in her life as a means of manipulation and abuse to others who were not the originators of the tragedy. In my case, it actually put me in a physically dangerous position when, as it turns out, she had no intentions resolving the problem. Even worse, she had a mass of support to help her RECOVER from the tragedy, and not only refuse the help, but spit in our faces in the process. In the character’s case (and so I heard) she actually had someone who wanted to help her while she was still alive. She turned it down. Then killed her self. Then made a tape dedicated to him to make him feel guilty for her death….I’m sorry, that classifies this as something a sociopath would do.

The only thing that completely prevents me from saying “No” to this show is the fact that it has opened up conversation. Suicide is something that gets glossed over quite a bit, so having a safe space to talk about it now is quite refreshing. Who knows when I will start in this show, but it won’t be right now while I’m still too vulnerable.

When One Door Closes…

I’ve been having a very tough 2017 so far, and here I thought 2016 was a total dumpster fire. That being said, it isn’t all bad. I have received good news today. But first let me catch you up to this point. 

I’ve applied for so many remote jobs, only to get rejected. The pole teaching gig that I was all set to take has now been pushed off because of construction delays and now it’s no longer a guarantee. The money I have coming in from my accident to pay for school is taking forever and I keep dipping into my parents cash just to survive. Even though I’m retired from background acting, I had a job offer from the casting agency I deal with the most, offer me a background job I couldn’t take due to my dad still being in the hospital. Most of the scholarships I’ve been trying to apply to have an age limit, and I am beyond it. So as you can see…things are getting desperate. So what’s the good news?

I got an opportunity to help out a friend of a friend this week cover a shift at their business. Also today, I managed to book a promotional modeling job next week that will pay me a bit of cash as well. Add in the money I earned from my fit modeling job, the stipends I will be paid for my performances in Orange and Without You, taking over my dad’s gig, and I will be getting ahead sort of. I really wish some of these remote jobs will come in or if worse comes to worse, get back into Network Marketing and hustle my butt off.

Covering My Dad’s Shift

(Source: Kevin Smith Wiki. Dante Hicks is my spirit animal.)

“I’m not even supposed to be here today.” The famous line uttered by Dante Hicks in the Kevin Smith film ‘Clerks’ pretty much defines my working life. I seem to move forward in my working life by covering other people’s shifts. Although Dante did not want to work on his day off, I try to take it as a learning experience. 

When my dad got sick and was admitted to the hospital, I had to cover his shift while he was in treatment. His job is simple, yet a little treacherous (because I’m out in the boonies at night) putting out real estate signs. I managed to slice my hand and rip my favorite pair of jeans, but the job had to be done in order to keep money in our pockets. The benefit of this job is that it’s only 2 nights a week on the weekends. It is somewhat physical so I’m starting to lose weight from all of the work. 

The disadvantage is that many of the developed areas are very rural. There are not that many light posts and there’s a lot of wilderness out there. A spot where I had to put a sign out there were a herd of deer. If a deer didn’t bite me 7 years ago while I was in Japan, I would have thought it beautiful; however, I viewed them as a dangerous gang and had to approach the area carefully. There are a ton of holes in the ground, which lead to a potential injury and my biggest fear is crossing paths with a snake 😰.

Other than that it is a fairly decent income. My dad quits this gig in June to take care of grandparents (he will be completely healed by then) and I might take over the job until my move to pocket some extra money. It also gives me the freedom to work the rest of the week taking on the other gigs I put in for, before arriving in Ireland. My goal is to have my entire first year’s tuition, books, housing and additional living expenses covered. Plus establish other remote, US based income producing activities to keep me alive the rest of the remaining school time. Fingers crossed.

Playing a Prisoner and a Stripper 

I make amazing life choices. In the next 3 weeks I will be playing the prisoner Poussey (or Piness in my version) of Orange is the New Musical.  I will also play a stripper in a feature film called Without You. It’s not a speaking part, nor will I be featured, so it’s technically another background part. The difference is, 1) it’s being shot in Philly, so it’s close. 2) it’s a paying job and I need all of the money I can get for school. 3) I was considered for a part in this scene last year. It went to someone else, and I was grateful because my body wasn’t where it should have been at the time, plus I had a scheduling conflict because of Body and Sold. They had to push back the filming date and find a new location due to unforeseen circumstances, which now makes my appearance in this scene possible again. Like I said, I won’t be the lead actress in this scene (which also means, I don’t have to show my boobs, yay) and it allows me to work with some new people before shipping off to Ireland.

With “Orange”, rehearsals for the most part are going fairly well. It hasn’t been easy since my dad was in the hospital for the past week (he gets out today!) I’m doing less singing and more rapping, believe it or not. The show itself is just crazy (in a good way). I recommend if you are an Orange is the New Black fan, you should come and see it. The performance will only run for 4 shows on May 5th & 6th  and May 12th (my birthday!) & 13th. There will also be a Shock Puppets introduction performance before each show. For more details check out http://www.bootless.org.

A Subject I Keep Coming Back To…

This is a post I intend to keep. I have vented many times about the two friendships that I have had to cut off. The posts come off as very bitter and I have been made to feel bad about letting those friendships go from people that I’m still close to now. However, I see no reconciliation. There was too much chaos caused to me by these two individuals (like actually being put in dangerous and or unprofessional situations) that it’s not healthy for me to stay there anymore. It also makes me more angry that I’m not being supported in my decision to let them go even though they caused me harm. I’m supposed to blindly accept continual chaos and stress; perpetrated by people who really need to do a better job of getting their shit together. Not everyone deserves your loyalty, and they will always show their true colors if you pay attention.

The Devil is Trying Me

    (Source: TheatreNerds Facebook Page)

In addition to my hopes of adding on more income producing activities, that I can work remotely, now my family is trying to give me a heart attack! 


     (My dad and granddad in the late 70’s)

The two dudes in the above photo, my dad and granddad are both in the hospital for different issues. Can’t I just have a break and not pull my hair out? I’ve heard the old saying that you experience the worst hell right before a breakthrough. I wish it would come on already, because I’m tired. 

Scholarship Essays pt. 2

I’m currently working on an essay about Jane Austen’s works. The essay is not due for another month, but I have a theme and I’m catching up with her work which I have previously not read. There are so many that laud Austen’s work and sadly I’m not one of them. It’s true, that the novels themselves are well written, and that the characters are relatable which is why her work is enduring…but that’s the issue for me. The human condition has not changed, at least how it has been documented here over 200 years ago.

I’m reading Mansfield Park right now and it feels like I’m reading a novel about the Kardashian family (ugh!) The Bertrams, Mrs. Norris, the Rushworths, and the Crawfords are so goddamn ratchet and annoying, I’m half tempted to throw this book across the room! Even the lead heroine, Fanny, grates my nerves from time to time. 


(I’m seriously questioning why I decided to take on this challenge and search for different scholarships instead.) 

If nothing comes of this essay, I would have least learned more about Jane’s works and why people love her so much. It also shows my general distaste for people. Not saying there aren’t a select few that I love. However, I think people who act classless, rude, and entitled (regardless of their financial status) piss me off the most. *Sigh* back to torturing myself I suppose.