Anticipated Rejection

I recently put in a pitch for a unique writing segment based upon my background experience. So far they like the concept and when I submitted my writing samples…crickets.

I'm not trying to take this as a "No" quite yet, however, it would not surprise me.

If you've been following my blog so far, the overall theme has been rejection and lots of very sad pitfalls. It's been very frustrating, but many of the "No's" have been to my advantage (keeping me away from things that didn't serve me well.) So I'm trying to keep this in mind.

(Source: A Random Share on Facebook)

Which leads me to this: there may be a reason why I am not going to school in Ireland. There also may be a reason why I'm not signed by an agent. Why I haven't been able to book any further film projects; and why I haven't been able to pick up any additional side income since the beginning of the year.

Although how it got to be this way was really shitty if I say so myself.

So what to do now? Well, I still have that audition for As You Like It coming up. The movie I shot background in asked me if I was available for additional days (still contemplating it since it was such a struggle to get to on Friday and it's not an official booking, just an availability check.) I also may have a possibility of a regular job soon.

Still, no guarantees. No rejections either.

Just more financial limbo.

No and Yes

At the request of my friends and family, I did try to go out for another film project. Mind you this is a film project that is Unpaid and open to everyone. The responding email included "do you have a reel?"


I thought the purpose of doing unpaid film work was to, in fact, build a reel. That's what the agents recommended to me. That's what all of the actors I'm associated with tell me to do. Needless to say I asked them to disregard my application and sorry for wasting their time.

And with that said; I'm never attempting to do film ever again.

On a somewhat positive note, I'm getting another chance to perform Shakespeare again. A theatre troupe in South Jersey needs a replacement for the role or Orlando in As You Like It, since their original actor dropped out. I audition for it on Tuesday. Fingers Crossed that I land it.

Dear Amber Rose…

(This was me watching your interview.)

I just want you to know that I have a serious distaste for celebrity gossip. However when something like this falls in my lap I cannot avoid it. Especially since this is so close to home I need to address it.

I could care less about the before and after photos of you that are being spread around. I also could care less about how you live your life. In fact, I follow you on Instagram simply because you are a girl from my area that "made it"; but now I can no longer follow you.

The moment you set yourself apart from the women growing up in your neighborhood in South Philly, you made yourself ugly. Seriously. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure your statement came from wounds that are unhealed. I too have experienced my fair share of bullshit. This. Was. Not. The. Way. To. Address. That. Wound.

There were definitely ways you could have worded this differently to share your pain without diminishing the value of the other women in your neighborhood. I have friends that were born and raised in South Philly that are drop dead gorgeous; so basically, you disrespected my crew. Take the public's anger as a lesson.


Makeup 💄

(Source: Batman TV Series and Pinterest)

Fun fact: I used to work as a Beauty Ambassador for Bare Minerals. I also worked briefly for Estée Lauder and Too Faced Cosmetics. It was a fun gig while it lasted and honestly I wouldn't mind doing makeup for productions.

The shoot requirements in the email I was sent told me to show up dewy; which led me to put on a highlight. Since my skin is super oily to begin with, I try to avoid putting on highlighter as much as possible (I think I'm already shiny). However, the request was to make myself as shiny as possible. The real question is…did I do a good job?

So Much Drama!

So my mental health week is a total wash. A background job I put in for before attending the agents panel called me back. If it wasn't for the fact that money is tight, I probably would have turned it down. So I'm going for it. Even though I informed my family early on that I could use our car to go, all of a sudden they don't want me to use it to drive. (They don't trust that I won't be stuck on the side of the road somewhere.)

The logistics of getting there are so difficult, since the call time could possibly be so early that I won't be able to take the Greyhound. The point is to take a profit and I'm already cutting it down by half, by having to now rent a car and be driven there. My ear is being chewed off for something that should have had a simpler solution. Needless to say I'm not relaxing today either.

Another Pattern I Noticed…

I also found out that my maternal grandfather is in the hospital too. Why is it, that the most important men in my life get sick whenever I'm trying to get ahead in life? Just like the theory I have about having a breakdown of tears followed by good news. It's just too weird. Both my paternal grandfather and my dad were rushed to the hospital right around the time I got accepted into school. My dad was rushed to the hospital again right around the time I applied for student aid. He was rushed to the hospital a third time while I was on the west coast for vacation; and now my maternal grandfather and my dad were rushed to the hospital while I was interviewing for a shoot that may take place in Seattle, Washington.

If this is God's way of keeping me close to home, he's picked a hell of a method to keep me here! I'm really not interested in killing off my relatives in my quest to move away. Still it's frustrating the way this is manifesting in my life. Staying in Delaware is not going to help me achieve my goals. If I want my life to shift, I need to make a shift. I wonder if moving to Philadelphia will help? At least I'm closer to the airport and the train station (which is crucial for my career.) It's still a major city with a huge theatre scene, and I'm only about a 40 minute drive from my home in Wilmington. Maybe that would appease the Gods.

Mental Health Week Interrupted

(Source: Daria and MTV)

Bruh… Not 24 hours into my declared mental health week and my dad gets admitted to the hospital again. The doctors consider it a precaution since he had been admitted 3 times since this past April that resulted in surgery. What is going on around here? Why is my family just getting crushed by life? And what can we do to stop it?

Mental Health Week!

After taking two major hits within this month, I’m following up with my promise of taking a hiatus. The reason why it’s a week, and not longer, is due to the fact that I submitted myself to several projects before these traumatic experiences happened. Now they are calling me back to shoot soon (I still have to pay bills you know.) 

To help with that, I’m taking some time off of social media. In the past I would attempt to go ghost with little success. This time it’s absolutely necessary. The reason being, is that I’m connected to so many industry related sites that the news is starting to wear on me. 

  • I’m reading too much about other people’s success stories when right now I feel like a failure. 
  • I’m seeing too many projects out there that I could be a good fit for “if only” I was thinner, in the union, in Los Angeles, have a huge Instagram following, Caucasian, etc.
  • I abhor celebrity gossip, but too much of it is getting shared on my feed and those people and everything they do make me sick.

Frankly I’m turning into a Hater and that’s the last thing I ever want to be. I will continue to write and update on here, because writing for me is cathartic. 

(Source: tank.sinatra IG)

The Panel and Remaining a Theatre Actress 

My go see with the agents ran flat. Here’s why:

(This was posted from my FB page earlier today.)

As a result I’m sticking to theatre. One of the agents said she already had someone that looks like me that she is representing. While she wasn’t mean about the way she said it, I kind of got the impression that she doesn’t need a twin. So why should I bother hopping into an industry where I’m just going to be nothing but a carbon copy?

 I got the sense that was an issue when I applied to be background in Creed. It wasn’t until I found out that Tessa Thompson was one of the leads and that is why I wasn’t selected…we look too similar.

As far as the background stuff is concerned. Yeah we get paid roughly $11-12 an hour and are herded around like cattle. It’s long days and it takes a lot out of me travel wise so it’s probably better if I stop doing it. 

My training overseas has been hindered, so I have to continue here in the states instead. I was thinking of getting with the Shakespeare Theatre Company and taking some of their workshops. Along with some more burlesque training and stage combat. I’m not really going to make big money in these fields so the businesses I recently got into have to keep me alive along with a traditional job (if I can find one.) This isn’t the sound of me quitting though. All I’m doing is staying away from the film industry. People in theatre are much nicer anyhow.

I Really Can’t Make It Work

As I said in a previous post, the dream is dead. I tried, but none of the scholarships selected me as a recipient. None of the alternative student loans work with my school. I was going to make smaller payments as I go, but my school needs everything in one lump sum next week (roughly about $20,000). Yes, in the long run I’m setting myself up for success with side cash as far as the wrap business, investments, and affiliate marketing are concerned. But it wasn’t enough to take care of what I needed it to take care of now.  My best was not good enough. The most frustrating part of all of this was that I really tried early on to set myself up for success. 

I’ve been seeking out work since last year. I wanted my side jobs to keep me afloat so the money that I received from my settlement could pay for school. That didn’t happen and I was forced to live off it. All of those gigs I applied to. All of the gigs I did work were few and far in between. My money got squandered and I only have myself to blame. 

  • If only I didn’t agree to go visit my friends on the west coast, I would have had more money. 
  • If only I knew sooner about the denial of my student aid, I could have tried to correct it somehow. 
  • If only I didn’t have a fallout with my friend, I would have still have made a little bit of money to keep me alive. 
  • If only I didn’t apply to this damn school to begin with, I wouldn’t have such a headache right now.

This was all a giant “NO” from God and I didn’t listen. I have failed so many times trying to make a better life for myself in the past. This new failure really shouldn’t bother me, but yet it does. I’m not even sure if I’m even really meant to be an actress, or if I’m meant to be happy at all. How long does it take before things actually come together? Why do others find it so early on and so easily but I don’t? Who’s Cheerios did I piss on in a past life to suffer so much now? Why does God hate me? 

I have a couple of more things this weekend; a meeting with potential new agents and the last weekend of my show. After that, I’m taking a hiatus and finding a regular job because this is just not working anymore.