As I said in a previous post, the dream is dead. I tried, but none of the scholarships selected me as a recipient. None of the alternative student loans work with my school. I was going to make smaller payments as I go, but my school needs everything in one lump sum next week (roughly about $20,000). Yes, in the long run I’m setting myself up for success with side cash as far as the wrap business, investments, and affiliate marketing are concerned. But it wasn’t enough to take care of what I needed it to take care of now. My best was not good enough. The most frustrating part of all of this was that I really tried early on to set myself up for success.
I’ve been seeking out work since last year. I wanted my side jobs to keep me afloat so the money that I received from my settlement could pay for school. That didn’t happen and I was forced to live off it. All of those gigs I applied to. All of the gigs I did work were few and far in between. My money got squandered and I only have myself to blame.
- If only I didn’t agree to go visit my friends on the west coast, I would have had more money.
- If only I knew sooner about the denial of my student aid, I could have tried to correct it somehow.
- If only I didn’t have a fallout with my friend, I would have still have made a little bit of money to keep me alive.
- If only I didn’t apply to this damn school to begin with, I wouldn’t have such a headache right now.
This was all a giant “NO” from God and I didn’t listen. I have failed so many times trying to make a better life for myself in the past. This new failure really shouldn’t bother me, but yet it does. I’m not even sure if I’m even really meant to be an actress, or if I’m meant to be happy at all. How long does it take before things actually come together? Why do others find it so early on and so easily but I don’t? Who’s Cheerios did I piss on in a past life to suffer so much now? Why does God hate me?
I have a couple of more things this weekend; a meeting with potential new agents and the last weekend of my show. After that, I’m taking a hiatus and finding a regular job because this is just not working anymore.