Her…

(Source: Pinterest, uploaded by Sabine Julieka Danleon.)

I’m about a week late with this post. Last Wednesday marked my childhood friend’s 33rd birthday. The beginning of January will be the 5th anniversary of her death.

Around this time 5 years ago, I had wished her a Merry Christmas on Facebook. She had announced that she was planning to visit Delaware and she was hoping to spend time with family and meet up with old friends including me. I told her I missed her and I love her and that I will see her soon. When she got to Delaware, she had a serious falling out with her mother which ended up with her going back home. Her cousin, who is also her best friend, let me know that she was devastated. A week later she passed away.

I was so numb when I heard the news. I didn’t cry, not because I wasn’t upset, but because I knew she wasn’t in pain anymore. Without going into deep details, she, along with her siblings had a troubled life. She left 3 children behind, along with many friends. When the news broke that she passed, the outpouring of love she received was on a grand scale. I had some dreams about her during this time that she has been gone that I want to share with you:

• Immediately after her passing, she visited me in my new apartment. She looked around without speaking and giving me approval that I did a good job. She later giggled (she had a distinctive laugh) and blew as hard in my ear to wake me up (she was a prankster too.)

• This dream occurred a week after my car accident. It was really weird as it was semi-prophetic and the situation played out as she said: I was walking on a path when I heard a man’s voice telling me that my friend wanted to speak with me. All of a sudden I heard her voice clear as day warning me about her sister, and how she was going to make my life a living hell, instead of getting the help she needs to make hers better (her sister is the individual I referred here as The Snake.) The rest of the dream was about her visiting me again in my waking life. She said that she will be dressed as Captain America (there was a little girl at Wizard World who had the same name as my friend and she was dressed as Captain America. 💗) She also said she was staying at the United States Marine Corps HQ (I figured this was in reference to Quantico, since that is the real USMC HQ, and my first foray into national television.) The last thing she said was “I’ll see you in California. I love you and I miss you.” …….This one I have no idea about. I went to California this past summer, but other than having a nice time with my friends, nothing profound happened. I have yet to see how this plays out.

•The last dream I had was near Christmas time last year. She insisted that I study Hamlet. I read the play from my “complete works” book, but I wasn’t able to attend any of the performances this year. Thankfully, I’m a subscriber of Shakepeare Magazine, who announced that they are dedicating the whole January 2018 issue to Hamlet (weird that it coincides with her passing right?)

I think about her often and I consider her a guardian angel of mine. I know she is looking after all of her loved ones and I feel honored that I’m one of them.

Do I or Don’t I?

(Source: Facebook.)

I was presented with a good problem today (especially after some serious drama this morning) and I need to make a decision.

There are two Background gigs available that are paying well and multiple days…but which one do I choose? The reason why I’m having a hard time is due to the fact that I was hit with this before and ended up missing out on both gigs. One asked me if I was available and I replied “yes.” The other gig also called me in shortly after and I turned them down because I already said yes to the other. The gig I said yes to, cut me at the last minute and the gig that I turned down filled their spot. I was very disappointed.

I’m going to apply to both and see what happens. I’ll go with the boy who takes me to the dance first.

The Shade Post

(Source: Facebook.)

Another thing that irritates me: if you ask me to loan you money with the promise of a payback, and I absolutely stress the payback; what business is it of yours where the rest of my money is coming or going to?

Why are you making a judgment about my habits when you are the one asking ME for money?!

Why should I even give you a dime?

My being generous to others has gotten me burned more times than I can count. It has led to me being in debt/poor, being homeless, not having a car, and not being able to secure my financial aid for Ireland. Frankly, I’m getting sick of it. And I’m sick of people feeling entitled to me doing them a favor. I’m at the point that I should just say no. Maybe I will actually make some headway.

Exploiting Pain For Personal Gain

(Source: Family Guy, FOX)

I’ve been off and on on social media today (mostly Twitter), when I saw the revelation of the young boy who was bullied. His mom has participated in racism (according to many news tweets), as well as the young boy himself may have perpetrated the violence against him by saying a racial slur. I have some thoughts about this, that I feel need to be addressed.

One: the kid’s behavior is a product of their parents. If the accusations are true, this kid needs to learn quickly that his behavior is not ok; that it is still not ok to be bullied, but it is not ok to bully either. Two: the kid’s mother is indulging in the rewards for her child’s pain, and that is seriously NOT ok. I can truly say that I’m empathetic enough to tune into a person’s vibe. This kid was genuinely upset, however, his mother did not give a good vibe which is why I didn’t jump on the bandwagon of support right away.

After all that was said and done there are many people right now with egg on their face, because they may have inadvertently sided with a white supremacist. For me this is the most troubling part…much like this entire year, we are normalizing white supremacy. We reward it, and give it the benefit of the doubt. It’s also painful because I do know that he’s just a kid that is caught up in it; and could learn that the black community is a supportive community. Therefore he could break the cycle of hate in his family. My hopes are not high though.

Additionally (what really triggers me about this situation) is the possible lack of repercussions for their actions. I call this a personal trigger because it is one that I have faced my entire life. I’ll mainly focus on my former friend whom I called a snake (even though I have other people in my life like this.) She had some genuine traumatic events her life, yet would behave badly the rest of the time and cause pain to others. She managed to get away with her actions by beating everyone over the head with the guilt of the trauma, so she would get a pass (and cause more trauma to others.) I eventually had to break the cycle by cutting her off and not speaking to her, because it was an un-winnable situation. She got coddled and praised for her evil, very much like this kid’s family and other white supremacists.

I’m curious to see after this revelation, how it’s all going to play out. Do the people rescind their gifts and support; or do they try to change the kid’s and his mother’s mind? I don’t have a solution, but I wanted to put my observations out there for people to see the red flags and figure out the right way to handle this.

Back to Work

(Source: Facebook and QuickMeme.com)

One thing that I truly dislike about myself: when I know I have something important to do the next day, I have a hard time sleeping. This makes for a very ragged and long work day. Very much like today.

My dad got a call from his old place of employment, the real estate sign company that my mom and I helped cover for while he was in the hospital. He had to leave his route due to poor health and someone took over. Now that person is overwhelmed and the company asked my dad if I could take over one portion of the route, temporarily, until their new hire comes in. They are thinking about 4 weekends at the most.

Sure.

I needed the extra money anyway and the shift doesn’t interfere with the two jobs I currently have. It means working overnight like I wanted and will improve my financial situation. The only problem is my lack of proper rest. Thankfully my dad is driving with me so I can stay awake.

Some Goals Accomplished ✅

(Source: Facebook.)

Well some good news for today: I managed to accomplish two goals off of my list.

Well, the first one is tentative until I receive my paycheck that reflects my pay. Why, you ask? Because if the pay stub aligns with the voucher I signed off of my shoot earlier this week, it means that I am officially SAG-AFTRA eligible. YAY!!!

Two years and I managed to earn 3 out of 3 background waivers to become union eligible. The dues are high, so it’s nothing I can pay out of pocket right away. However I hope I’m able to join sometime early next year.

The second is paying off a large bill that I had and will save me hundreds in the long run. It was definitely a struggle and there were times that I was definitely behind. I’m hoping for a little financial relief as I try to remedy the current student debt that I have; as well as trying pull money together for school (they’re trying to get me in for the Spring semester), and of course, my union dues. We’ll see how this all works out.

A Background Shoot and An Audition

(Source: Facebook)

It’s been a productive couple of days after the unsuccessful attempt to work at my old company again. I booked another background shoot in Philly on Monday, and an audition in Philly two weeks from now. I don’t want to talk about what project I’m working on this week. Not because they are preventing me or anything (nor would I ever give away any details); but because of the last shoot I did over a month ago, the casting agency dinged me for mentioning that I’m working on the show (I’m taking no chances this time.) What I will say is: this is a very important shoot for me. Once I officially step on set and complete my job, I will talk more on the subject.

The audition, however, I can talk about liberally. It’s Shakepeare in Clark Park, located in West Philly. The audition is in December, but the first rehearsal isn’t until June 19th, 2018. If I get it, I will have plenty of time to truly learn the text and get off book by June. The production is ‘Twelfth Night’ with a bit of a rock n’ roll twist. The info about the audition was forwarded to me by my Stage Combat instructor, who coordinated the fights for Coriolanus this past Summer. They were looking for actor combatants and it piqued my interest. From now until then I will be preparing a monologue and a 30 second rock ballad to perform. I hope to convince the casting team that I’m a better fighter than a singer and to pick me on that alone. Fingers Crossed.