My depression works in mysterious ways. There are days when the reality of my situation is a little too bleak; I’m lonely; or my favorite, absolutely no reason at all.
Today, all three of them are rearing their ugly heads at me, making it a difficult day. What I normally try to do is write a gratitude journal or write to God about my feelings. Sadly, I have a number of writing jobs besides journaling, and I haven’t accomplished any of them; with the exception of this post.
It could be Mercury Retrograde kicking my butt. However, I don’t find that likely. It doesn’t hit me as hard as it does for my friends. I will concede that I have been restless, having weird dreams (which are weighing heavily on my mind), and losing the job I thought would save me. I believe these things are adding fuel to the fire.
Speaking of the dreams…
I don’t know if my loneliness is spurring on the dreams, or if the dreams are spurring on my loneliness; but I keep dreaming that I meet my future boyfriend.
The reason why this is depressing is because I have had recurring dreams about this mystery guy for the better part of a decade to no avail. As I mentioned in previous posts, most of my dreams do translate to reality somehow, but not this one for some reason. I’ve dreamt about my first boyfriend a week before I met him. I’ve dreamt about the guy, who eventually ripped my heart to shreds, a couple of days before I met him (I curse the fact that my dreams didn’t tell me to run from him sooner.) If I were to interpret this dream, I would say that it’s my inner desire to be loved, not necessarily that it’s supposed to happen in real life. He is a fictional character meant to keep me hopeful so I don’t give up on life. It’s weird though, the dreams are frequent and extremely strong right now compared to the past. I don’t know what to think anymore, I’m so confused.
Anyway, this was something I wanted to get off my chest. Honestly writing about it, even though it’s public, is helping me quite a bit. Thanks for listening.
As I mentioned before: I loathe celebrity gossip and tabloids. I really don’t care what goes on in their day to day lives; however, a story broke from Tiffany Haddish, detailing the night she took a selfie with Beyoncé.
Apparently a heavily drugged up actress, bit Beyoncé on her face, and Tiffany was about to whoop the actress’s behind. Beyoncé put a stop to the impending altercation, hence the photo….
Beyoncé is a better person than me.
Because, IF A HEIFER PUT HER NASTY MOUTH ON ME, ALL HELL WOULD BREAK LOOSE!!!
I’m not a member of the “Beyhive” and probably never will be, but this is foul! People have no sense of boundaries and that’s why we have friggin’ problems like this.
Beyoncé is too nice and should have allowed Tiffany to shut it down. If I continue to work in this industry, I’m going to have to maintain a high guard to stay away from all of these shenanigans.
I have an amazing support group. I quit my very brief job at the restaurant and in the same week, one of my closest friends set up a fundraiser on my behalf! The fundraiser will provide the down payment I need to get into SAG. I can pay off the rest while I’m working on projects. Plus, I still have my two jobs at the pole studio and the independent movie theatre which will help me stay alive. I’m beyond words of how grateful I am to her and everyone that gave me money. My biggest wish is to work on a major project, with a decent sized part, so they can see where their investment took me.
(Source: Facebook and my feelings exactly.)
Well…I received my first week’s schedule of my new job…and…it doesn’t adhere to my availability at all. I made it clear in my availability sheet what days I could work, and why I couldn’t work the days I’m not. I have other jobs and obligations to attend to that were scheduled before being called in to this place for an interview.
I’m going in on Monday to see if I can sort it out. Hopefully I can get back on the right track. If not, I have to walk away from it. Once again, another rug has been ripped out from under my feet. I don’t think my heart can take much more of this.
Earlier this month, I read my March horoscope. The advice that was given:
Take as many naps as possible this month. You are going to need it.
I found it hilarious that a horoscope would give me this advice, but you know what? I do need it.
Tomorrow is the first day of training at my new job. I also have a private pole dance lesson to teach that night. On Friday, I have a modeling gig and later, I need to be at Wilmington Drama League to work their lights again. Pretty much for the rest of March, I’m going to be running between three jobs, a community theatre gig, a modeling gig, and a podcast interview.
I’m going to take a nap right now. ✌🏽
(Source: Fresh Prince of Bel Air NBC.)
After weeks of searching, I finally landed a job. I’m really super happy about it too since it’s close to home and I will earn money right away. I’m still gunning for the film festival job since that can be worked on the weekend; as well as possibly working my old gig at the independent movie theatre (also close to home).
The shifts are during the day, so my pole teaching gig is safe. I may have days free to work production gigs too! However, that will be on be back burner until I get my union dues paid.
While I’m on the subject about union dues, this is what this new job will help me pay for and hopefully with speed. Not saying I’m going to make thousands of dollars right away, but it’s possible to get a nice head start.
I have a lot of monetary goals and it’s fantastic to have another supplemental income while working on my career. This is so exciting.
(Source: Beyond Scared Straight, A&E.)
It looks like Twitter is cleaning house by suspending accounts left and right. Even if you did nothing wrong, but have certain words arranged in a tweet, it can trigger an algorithm that will automatically suspend you. This is one of the social media outlets I have recently put more time into engaging with people. As you know, social media has become increasingly important for promoting yourself and your business.
The day may come, where my profile will trigger the algorithm, and I have to ask myself “is it worth saving?”
With everything that Twitter isn’t doing, like not suspending our “leadership’s” profile for serious violations. Barely, if at all, suspending accounts that target and harass others for speaking out; but God Forbid, you mention suicide.
The answer is probably No.
So what will I do from here? Probably focus on another platform and build that. Jack and Twitter are on the wrong side of history anyway.
I talk about weather quite often on most of my social media outlets, and for good reason: weather is often a deciding factor in my day to day decisions. Seems extreme I know, but I can explain:
•Since that awful car accident totaled my car, I haven’t bought a new one. Instead, I either walk or take public transportation. This puts me in the elements daily, and I’m often not dressed properly for the weather. Only for work or whatever occasion is going on at the time. It means occasionally having to walk out in a full suit during the summer. I sweat profusely and it’s not a good look once I finally get to my location. There is also the risk of hypothermia or frostbite in colder temps too.
•Since I live in the Mid-Atlantic region of the United States, there is about a 50/50 chance that businesses will close or events will cancel due to inclement weather. Just like today when I was supposed to attend a job fair. The coordinators shut it down completely, with no option to reschedule 😒.
•I live in a craphole apartment building with poor insulation. My place is never at a comfortable temperature.
•I have busted my ass in icy conditions commuting to work. It was not fun let me tell you.
•When I did have a car and used to drive, I would be stuck on the road with idiots who drove recklessly in rain and snow. I have nearly been in several accidents because cars in front of me have spun out of control.
Yeah, living in an area which constantly has weather mood swings, keeps you on your toes. While the subject may seem boring to you, I have to function in this nonsense. Ugh.
(Taken today on Instagram.)
I’ve been unemployed for only 24 hours and so many things opened up to me in that time. Today, I resume teaching pole class. I’m excited due to getting back to something I love and getting physical again (I gained so much weight 😔.) Some job opportunities have popped up as well. I could possibly be working at a hotel, restaurant, or a film festival. I’ll keep you posted on everything that happens.