My depression works in mysterious ways. There are days when the reality of my situation is a little too bleak; I’m lonely; or my favorite, absolutely no reason at all.
Today, all three of them are rearing their ugly heads at me, making it a difficult day. What I normally try to do is write a gratitude journal or write to God about my feelings. Sadly, I have a number of writing jobs besides journaling, and I haven’t accomplished any of them; with the exception of this post.
It could be Mercury Retrograde kicking my butt. However, I don’t find that likely. It doesn’t hit me as hard as it does for my friends. I will concede that I have been restless, having weird dreams (which are weighing heavily on my mind), and losing the job I thought would save me. I believe these things are adding fuel to the fire.
Speaking of the dreams…
I don’t know if my loneliness is spurring on the dreams, or if the dreams are spurring on my loneliness; but I keep dreaming that I meet my future boyfriend.
The reason why this is depressing is because I have had recurring dreams about this mystery guy for the better part of a decade to no avail. As I mentioned in previous posts, most of my dreams do translate to reality somehow, but not this one for some reason. I’ve dreamt about my first boyfriend a week before I met him. I’ve dreamt about the guy, who eventually ripped my heart to shreds, a couple of days before I met him (I curse the fact that my dreams didn’t tell me to run from him sooner.) If I were to interpret this dream, I would say that it’s my inner desire to be loved, not necessarily that it’s supposed to happen in real life. He is a fictional character meant to keep me hopeful so I don’t give up on life. It’s weird though, the dreams are frequent and extremely strong right now compared to the past. I don’t know what to think anymore, I’m so confused.
Anyway, this was something I wanted to get off my chest. Honestly writing about it, even though it’s public, is helping me quite a bit. Thanks for listening.