Journaling

There is a lot going on in this world right now, as well as in my personal life. Like I detailed before, much of it I was advised not to talk about on this blog. Because of that advice, I'm keeping it all within a journal. Not hard since I already keep one for work. The sad thing is, looking at my words written down reflects how truly low and angry I feel. I'm beginning to see where hate stems from: inadequacy and broken dreams.

Keeping to Myself

Yesterday I was scheduled to work a gig at an event that would have paid me a little bit of money. The company ended up not needing me, which added to the list of lost gigs that I had this summer. Me, trying to be transparent, posted about my lost gig on my regular social media site. Some people misinterpreted as me quitting acting for good, even though I said I'm not but taking a different approach. Needless to say I got a little frustrated and made another post to clarify the situation which led me to getting a text from a friend of mine with some advice.

Basically he told me that I have such a huge support system now and everyone wants to help, although he admits it may not be the help that I'm looking for. So I have to tread carefully from here on out and not get frustrated with them. He's right. However it puts me in a very awkward position as I feel that now I can't be transparent anymore. I may have to flat out lie about my life being sunshine and rainbows when it's really not.

So it pains me to say this, but now all of my social media, including this blog, is not going to have as many updates unless it's good news. I don't think I'm a fashion influencer with the M2M network anymore (I emailed them to see if I was doing enough but got no response) but I think I will post more fillers from them. Also get back to writing my story prompts since I have to flesh out a story around the theme and vocabulary they give me.

This seems extreme, but there is good reason for it. I've already lost two friends from misunderstanding and I really don't have it in me to lose more.

My Patience is Thin

I made it to the location. My period started on the way there. Come to find out that the casting director, who paid no attention to my emails, is starring in this film in One of the only Two female speaking roles in this film. She also had the nerve to stare at me and tell the makeup artist to check on me and another woman's makeup. The whole situation kept getting shadier by the moment so I walked out. Maybe I'm being cranky and unreasonable about what happened…maybe I'm not. This was just really unprofessional in my opinion and I followed up by doing something unprofessional. However in this instance an Irish Goodbye was better than the choice words I had for the "Casting Director".

I have one last PAYING background coming up and that's it for this portion of the industry. I am so done.

Even More Updates

This shoot is going to have live updates all the way through so strap in, it's going to be a bumpy ride.

I should have just followed my intuition when I got the email for this project this morning. My fault for being stupid, not wording my responses strong enough, and not sticking to my gut.

Pretty much from the jump I told the casting director of this project that if not having a reel would disqualify me from having a part to disregard my application.

Instead they felt that I was qualified enough to be a part of it. The next email I received included the part about being
willing to be a part of the background.

.

And here was my mistake…I should have said "No, I'm not willing" instead of

I'm really pissed at myself for this whole situation. Part of me does not want to show up, but as I already confirmed to be there (after receiving the script BTW which I shouldn't see if I'm not talking) would be unprofessional on my part. I'm not getting paid for this, I have to bring my own costuming, I have to pay for train fare to get there just to waste my time and money. And now I feel even worse for complaining about this as it makes me sound like a Diva. The only reason I'm still going is because the production company probably has no idea that I wanted a speaking part as this entire booking was done through a casting director. Do you see why I was seeking out an agent? So I wouldn't get screwed like this. Not only am I the Goddess of Poor Timing but of Poor Wording as well. Fuck my life.