(Source: Is featured on the bottom left of this meme and Pinterest.)
I’m definitely going all in with my acting career. However, I will always have some sort of a side hustle to keep me alive too. Why? Because of things like this, or like this; or the two instances of my loss of employment that both led to extreme poverty and initially to homelessness.
My mother passed down a term to me that she learned from her mother…”always have Mad Money.” If you are familiar with the term, great! For those that aren’t, all it means that if you are a woman who is on a date with a man that is untoward in any way, you always keep a store of cash on you to be able to take a cab home and buy your own dinner.
When it comes to work, it should be the same way. I nor you should be beholden to abuse by superiors because you really need the work; and although it is my dream to take my career as far as it can go, the entertainment industry is basically the Wild West when it comes down to workplace conduct. I would love to be able to have the freedom to walk away with my chosen finger in the air if I hear a producer, director, co-star, or any employer say “if you defy me, you’ll never work in this business again.” That is when you can walk away with confidence.
The prognosis on my dad is not good and he is depressed. No, he is not dying, but he has to get additional surgery and tons of antibiotics. Honestly this sucks. My dad used to be so healthy. Once again, I feel powerless in figuring out how to make things better. I’m a little worried about his condition affecting his quality of life. The whole healthcare argument in D.C. isn’t helping things either.
(Source: Ekhi-Guinea, Deviant Art.)
The artwork above is not meant to be funny. What it represents to me is what I see going on in the World right now. While it has been said that right now is the safest time to be alive and that media coverage just puts more emphasis on the negative; when you have events like the mass shooting in Las Vegas last night, Puerto Rico in peril, violence in Spain and Catalonia, and anger over athletes trying kneel for the deaths in the black community…I feel nothing but powerless and basically watching my planet die.
All of this seething hatred means there is a serious lack of love and deep rooted pain. We somehow need to disrupt the pattern or drown in it. But how?
So this entire New York trip has triggered my anxiety so much, that I had a really bad panic attack yesterday on 9th Ave.
It’s not New York though. I was having the same issues, recently, while in Los Angeles and Las Vegas. The last time I had a really bad episode like this was in England back when I was 17; that ended with me fainting.
It’s weird though, because I’m not homesick or anything. Plus I have really enjoyed my time in all of those places and never once had an episode when I went to Japan 7 years ago.
I have had panic attacks throughout my adult life. However, they were very spotty and usually came after big stressors. (I have big stressors right now for sure.) The ones where I take trips though are very troubling and I want to get them under control.
I know what chemicals in my body trigger an attack. I also know that my thoughts don’t help either and I can maintain control. There are some things I am going to work on when I get home, like meditation and possibly start running to wear some of it off. It’s just frustrating to go through this right now.
I probably shouldn’t be the one saying this, but…
Reboots are so annoying.
What’s worse, is seeing people on the internet so excited for films that are being rebooted that weren’t good the first time around. It really makes me wonder about people sometimes.
I’m all for making more woman centric stories or an adaptation of a story we haven’t seen on the big screen yet. But why on Earth do I need to watch a remake of the ‘Lord of the Flies’? Or another ‘Mortal Kombat’ movie? ‘Blade’ doesn’t need a damn reboot, and ‘A Star is Born’ is on its 5th remake!
Production companies and investors need to acknowledge that they are too afraid to invest in original ideas for fear of losing money. This isn’t the theatre where you have more leeway to do that because these productions are often short runs and rarely recorded. Even then: live theatre is more apt to take more risks with a new show, which is why I love them. Push the envelope a little bit!
Stepping off my soapbox now.
I have a now former friend who just THRIVES on self-victimization and attention from my family. One of the reasons why I cut off communication from her was the fact that she would constantly call us in a crisis (seriously one of the times she called put me in serious physical danger) and later goes back into the chaos.
I’ve written about her before, but had later deleted those posts because they were too mean and I want to be the bigger person in this situation. However, she keeps pulling at my mother’s heartstrings and frankly I’m getting tired of the nonsense. She’s a manipulator plain and simple.
Multiple times over have my family and members of her own family offered her help out of the mess. She refuses the help and even spit at us when we couldn’t pay attention at any given time when she wanted to cry wolf. Now she claims to be in dire situation and I don’t trust her. My mother is trying to convince me to be ok with helping her. No. Just no.
(Source: Daria and MTV.)
I’m sorry to rant like this, but most of the stress I have had to deal with last year was due to this former friend, while going through my own hell. I’m staying away from this a far as I possibly can.
(Source: Kevin Gates, Facebook)
I just caught wind of the essay about a director, whose works I enjoy, and his ex-wife and I have thoughts about it.
I don’t think the infidelities is hypocritical of feminism. However, it is abusive and we should call him for what he is: an abuser. This is not a bash against her, because her pain is VALID. As someone who has dealt with the same type of man herself, let me reword this in bullet points to convey a stronger message:
•A man or woman who puts their partner’s (and the people they cheated with) health and mental wellbeing in jeopardy is an abuser.
•A man or woman who gaslights his or her partner (and the people they cheated with) and doesn’t truly allow that partner to walk away and heal is an abuser.
•A man or woman who fights for equality, but is abusive to their partner is not a hypocrite; ACTUALLY, true equality comes from the fact that they are both free to be absolutely shitty human beings. (Terrible, but true.)
•A man or woman who is publicly self-righteous about being faithful, but is committing infidelities out of the public eye is a hypocrite.
•This will affect her with future decisions in picking a partner.
•This will deteriorate her trust in love.
•This will affect any mutual friendships they had.
•This has changed her entire life for better or for worse.
And for that, I pray for her peace and healing.
There is a lot going on in this world right now, as well as in my personal life. Like I detailed before, much of it I was advised not to talk about on this blog. Because of that advice, I'm keeping it all within a journal. Not hard since I already keep one for work. The sad thing is, looking at my words written down reflects how truly low and angry I feel. I'm beginning to see where hate stems from: inadequacy and broken dreams.
Yesterday I was scheduled to work a gig at an event that would have paid me a little bit of money. The company ended up not needing me, which added to the list of lost gigs that I had this summer. Me, trying to be transparent, posted about my lost gig on my regular social media site. Some people misinterpreted as me quitting acting for good, even though I said I'm not but taking a different approach. Needless to say I got a little frustrated and made another post to clarify the situation which led me to getting a text from a friend of mine with some advice.
Basically he told me that I have such a huge support system now and everyone wants to help, although he admits it may not be the help that I'm looking for. So I have to tread carefully from here on out and not get frustrated with them. He's right. However it puts me in a very awkward position as I feel that now I can't be transparent anymore. I may have to flat out lie about my life being sunshine and rainbows when it's really not.
So it pains me to say this, but now all of my social media, including this blog, is not going to have as many updates unless it's good news. I don't think I'm a fashion influencer with the M2M network anymore (I emailed them to see if I was doing enough but got no response) but I think I will post more fillers from them. Also get back to writing my story prompts since I have to flesh out a story around the theme and vocabulary they give me.
This seems extreme, but there is good reason for it. I've already lost two friends from misunderstanding and I really don't have it in me to lose more.
I made it to the location. My period started on the way there. Come to find out that the casting director, who paid no attention to my emails, is starring in this film in One of the only Two female speaking roles in this film. She also had the nerve to stare at me and tell the makeup artist to check on me and another woman's makeup. The whole situation kept getting shadier by the moment so I walked out. Maybe I'm being cranky and unreasonable about what happened…maybe I'm not. This was just really unprofessional in my opinion and I followed up by doing something unprofessional. However in this instance an Irish Goodbye was better than the choice words I had for the "Casting Director".
I have one last PAYING background coming up and that's it for this portion of the industry. I am so done.