Yesterday was my last working shift at Firefly. I bumped into the HR woman in charge of hiring me. I gave her my thanks as she was super helpful in giving me the information I needed not only for the bartending gig, but for the stage crew gig as well. I gave her the whole rundown of the events that happened: getting hired for brew crew, not getting called by the stage crew people until the day of the festival when I already committed to the other job, the stress of having to turn down the crew job I wanted for the job I committed to first. She was very sweet and gave me this word of advice “No worries dear. Sometimes you have to go to the dance with the boy who asked you first. It was just meant to work out like that.” Mind-blowing and she was right. I’m now going to use that advice with whatever I do from now on. Maybe I’m not actually the Goddess of Poor Timing.
As of right now, the festival is already 10 minutes and I’m still not assigned to a bar tent or making any money right now. As you very well know, I turned down the stage crew position because it was so last minute, and that position is now gone. Now I’m working nothing and missing out on money that could definitely go towards my education. I may be super emotional just because it’s incredibly hot out here today and I need to pee. But honestly looking at how my life operates in general…well constant misalignments like this is one of the reasons I’ve just don’t want to carry on anymore. I’m cursed, I swear!
It’s the first day of Firefly and I’m already over it, and I haven’t even started yet! Why am I so upset? Well it’s due to the fact that I WAS actually hired for the Firefly Stage Crew, but had received no correspondence about this position until today! My feelings are so hurt right now as this poor timing thing is a life pattern I’ve never been able to shake. I always miss golden opportunities, meet the right guy at the wrong time, and like today, I’m scheduled to work something different on the same day. This is really upsetting…
By this time next week I will be out on the west coast to visit my friends. One of my friends in particular I look forward to seeing because I read her tarot cards every year. This time will be different for many reasons: first, this will be the first time that I will read her in person. Second, I bought a pretty new deck to read her with. Third, I enrolled in a class taught by Veronica Varlow on how to give better readings.
Even though I’m Episcopalian, I still get drawn to the realm of the metaphysical, and tarot for me is a great tool. I don’t get rattled by it like many in the Christian faith do as, more often than not (at least in my case) the tarot depicts what a person’s current situation is and how to improve it. That is how I approach my readings as well. They tend to be very lighthearted, small readings. I keep the questions very general and usually only asking “what’s next?” I use very visually beautiful cards and I don’t always use reversals (although it’s in good practice). I tend to let the cards speak to me and let them pop up for a better reading. (See Doreen Virtue’s approach to her Angel Card readings.) Overall, I keep gloom and doom to a minimum.
I’m also offering a little plug to all that read this. As you know I’m going to college overseas in September. Even though I have applied for all of the financial aid that I can, I still need a chunk of money in my account to prove to the Irish government that I can financially support myself. I decided to do a fundraiser using small tarot readings for $7 to help me go to school. If any of you are interested please leave me a comment or email for more info. I take PayPal and I am working on getting a Venmo account too. Thank you.
It seems that every time I break down into uncontrollable sobbing, the next day it manifests into something amazing. This happened when I got accepted for school, when I cry about money, when I generally feel like my life is going nowhere: and then BOOM!!! PROGRESS!!
What the hell?
As much as I like having increase in my life, the fact that I have to go into a mode of deep depression is not my idea of a good time. But then again…it’s not supposed to be my idea of a good time, but that of my creator. I couldn’t possibly tell you why this is, maybe it’s to show that I really want it. Maybe it’s negative energy I need to release in order for the good to come in. It could possibly be an alarm telling me that the good is coming and uses my tears as an indicator. Whatever way it is, let’s just say that currently I’m a hot mess of tears, and that most likely means something amazing is going to happen tomorrow. 😭😭😭😭
I almost had to beat a girl down, a little while ago, for putting her hands on my dad. The crazy part is, that it has nothing to do with my family personally. My dad is the super of our apartment building, he was kicking her out in a peaceful fashion.
One thing I do know, is that people are crazy and I feel justified to take on more training. Not just for the stage, but for real life as well. (Especially if I have to deal with any further bullshit like that.) I have a feeling that I may have to utilize this training in the future. How that will manifest? I have a hunch, but I’m not going to speak on that until the time is right.
Remember me telling you about the guy that I was in love with and broke my heart? Who suddenly reached out to me out of the blue a couple of months ago? Well he reached out to me again over the past few days on one of my social media sites to see how I was. And now because of that, I’m in a poor mood today.
No, I’m not going back to him. No, he is not making any attempt to try and date me either. Besides, he lives too far away as it is and I’m not interested in any long distance relationships. What I do think is happening, is that this is an unhealed situation that is brimming back to the surface. How do I know that, well I like to think that God leaves clues and the big one left for me was in the form of a video I watched the other day. It talked about how we treat unrequited love as something romantic when in fact it is absolute torture. In the past I have hoped and prayed that this guy would come to his senses. That somehow he would catch on that I’m the perfect woman for him, but that didn’t happen. I was too blinded by his potential instead of who he actually was to see why this wouldn’t work. He was in the military. He lived abroad in Africa for a bit and worked in the local communities. He was well read and had proper manners. He was clean cut and carried himself well. Worked with charities…but…He is a womanizer. Because of this, he was sexist. He would blatantly tell me he didn’t want a relationship with me and yet would still say that I the one he wants (I was foolish to go along with that and that was my fault for not establishing that boundary.) He wasn’t a good man even though he tried to portray himself as a good man to the public eye. And I fell for it.
So because of this, I think it’s best if I don’t date at all. There was someone like him afterward that I liked briefly, but yet again, he was too much like the unrequited love guy.
This is a lonely path, but it’s the only way I feel. There was a time when I really wanted to be in love and be married, but love just causes too much pain. But I’m grateful to have gotten to this point and know that this is a very toxic situation that I never want to get into again. Love just isn’t meant for everyone, like me.