Yesterday I was scheduled to work a gig at an event that would have paid me a little bit of money. The company ended up not needing me, which added to the list of lost gigs that I had this summer. Me, trying to be transparent, posted about my lost gig on my regular social media site. Some people misinterpreted as me quitting acting for good, even though I said I'm not but taking a different approach. Needless to say I got a little frustrated and made another post to clarify the situation which led me to getting a text from a friend of mine with some advice.
Basically he told me that I have such a huge support system now and everyone wants to help, although he admits it may not be the help that I'm looking for. So I have to tread carefully from here on out and not get frustrated with them. He's right. However it puts me in a very awkward position as I feel that now I can't be transparent anymore. I may have to flat out lie about my life being sunshine and rainbows when it's really not.
So it pains me to say this, but now all of my social media, including this blog, is not going to have as many updates unless it's good news. I don't think I'm a fashion influencer with the M2M network anymore (I emailed them to see if I was doing enough but got no response) but I think I will post more fillers from them. Also get back to writing my story prompts since I have to flesh out a story around the theme and vocabulary they give me.
This seems extreme, but there is good reason for it. I've already lost two friends from misunderstanding and I really don't have it in me to lose more.
A guy that I flat out told that I'm not going to date, messaged me today to "check on me." I sound like a horrible person writing about my annoyance of this; but I want to clarify that I, have a really bad pattern of attracting or dating men who don't really care about me. What does this mean? Doesn't that guy care enough to check on you? The answer is no. What he's really doing is checking to see if I changed my mind about not dating him and that is what bothers me.
It's becoming increasingly difficult to find a guy that is genuine. Especially now that I am an actress and a model. Something about being in this career field is appealing to men. Much of it, I'm sure has to do with bragging rights. Who doesn't want to date a model/actress? The issue here is that it violates a rule that I have…the 23:6 rule.
I adopted this rule from a friend of mine. We discussed (over many shots of whiskey and after my awful heartbreak) why I should really hold out and be selfish about what I really want in a guy. This is what he told me:
For at least 1 hour every day and 1 day every week, the person you are dating will consider you to be the most ideal. Be it your looks, your job, your income status, your personality. But what about those other 23 hours of the day and those other 6 days of the week? The time when you are not so loveable? The time when that job you have takes more time than you can spend with him? When you gain weight? When money is really tight? When you're having a bad day and you need time to recuperate? If he can't love you at the worst time in your life, he is not permitted to love you at your best time.
My friend is so right. I apply this rule with every man that I meet now. Especially if he gives indication that I am only going to be a convenience, and not a priority to him.
My relative and I reached out to officials at my school to discuss the issues of my funding to see if there was anything I can do or not. One thing I'm starting to notice is that there is more than one chain of command and I don't think everyone is communicating with each other.
I received an email today from a different official about something that I addressed last week with an official I'm working with and it was CC'ed with that person. So I replied and received an automatic response, which means they didn't read what I wrote.
This is not to bash the school, because they are doing what they can with what they have. My concern is that if I have to jump through this many hoops to convey the same message, this just may not be the school for me. It's a little upsetting since my relative works for this school and their name and my name is attached. (I feel that I'm making them look really bad.)
So now I'm looking at alternatives for training. I really had my heart set on moving to Dublin and that may still happen but with a different school. I have 2 options I can do now:
The Gaiety School of Acting, which is where Colin Farrell and Olivia Wilde attended.
The Lir National Academy of Dramatic Art in Trinity College; whose courses were developed by the Royal Academy of Dramatic Art in London, England.
Both are very fine schools. Applications and auditions for The Lir happen in October so I will have to move very quickly on this. The next thing is to pick up a regular job and store all of the cash that I can to hustle my butt over there.
(Circa July 2017. On site of the commercial for MD Anderson Cooper Cancer Center.)
If you saw my Instagram post (which is featured on the bottom of this site) you would have seen that I took a walk this afternoon. I was severely depressed and I wanted to clear my head. After taking that walk I went to Starbucks and saw my friend Gail from Reedy Point. She asked me about the shenanigans that happened on Saturday. She also talked about industrial shoots and gave me a new casting agency to check out. During that conversation, I realized that I made more money doing industrial type work than anything I have ever done for tv and film as an extra. Even if I don't have lines, I have a featured part or the production company has a better budget.
The shoot I participated in where the photo above was taken, only took about 4 hours to shoot and I made double what I did working 14 hours on a national television show or major film. So I think I have found my niche.
I would still love speaking parts, but more than likely that would be from live theatre. I submitted myself to several things after I got back home that either were related to medical, industrial, or commercial. We'll see who calls me back.
I took one of those mini quizzes on Facebook this morning. I wanted to distract myself from the shenanigans I call my daily life, and it seemed like the fun thing to do. Until I got my result. It was about what big event will happen to me this month. The answer…I Will Get Pregnant.
Actually, being a mother is something I have always wanted to be. However, I had this idea in my head that I will meet a man I would call the love of my life and we would start a family together. The chances of meeting that guy are extremely low, but motherhood is still on an all time high.
(Source: piecomic.com and John McNamee)
I did have a small taste of what it would be like to be a mom when my late friend and her infant son lived with me over a decade ago. It was a lot of work, but it didn't scare me away from being a mom. Even now, I have come to the conclusion that although there will be no man in the picture, I am still going to become a mom.
Just not this month.
All you need to do is tell me I'm not doing enough for my career or making money. Especially when it comes from someone who knows I'm notorious for holding down multiple jobs at a time.
I'm in a weird spot in my life right now. I was on the verge of being fired from my conventional job because I had to call out to take on gigs. As much as I hate doing that (I'd rather make all of the money) I had to leave. When that happened instead of completely sitting on my ass, I began to help my friend with her housekeeping business and teaching on the side. With that I still felt like I needed more of a cushion, so then I put in for work from home jobs that come with schedule flexibility. You know….so I'm not poor.
But life took a different turn and even still to this day I look for work I can do while doing what I love. Now that I'm not going to school and quitting working gigs during the week, I'm in the process of looking for a regular job again. A few opportunities have come up and I'm going to make those work, along with possibly adding another job to the mix. Tell me how I'm not doing enough again?
Considering the source, it's safe to say they don't do enough. God forbid they shoulder any of their mess.
I really can't deal with people sometimes.
I also found out that my maternal grandfather is in the hospital too. Why is it, that the most important men in my life get sick whenever I'm trying to get ahead in life? Just like the theory I have about having a breakdown of tears followed by good news. It's just too weird. Both my paternal grandfather and my dad were rushed to the hospital right around the time I got accepted into school. My dad was rushed to the hospital again right around the time I applied for student aid. He was rushed to the hospital a third time while I was on the west coast for vacation; and now my maternal grandfather and my dad were rushed to the hospital while I was interviewing for a shoot that may take place in Seattle, Washington.
If this is God's way of keeping me close to home, he's picked a hell of a method to keep me here! I'm really not interested in killing off my relatives in my quest to move away. Still it's frustrating the way this is manifesting in my life. Staying in Delaware is not going to help me achieve my goals. If I want my life to shift, I need to make a shift. I wonder if moving to Philadelphia will help? At least I'm closer to the airport and the train station (which is crucial for my career.) It's still a major city with a huge theatre scene, and I'm only about a 40 minute drive from my home in Wilmington. Maybe that would appease the Gods.
The more I keep getting denied for a loan, the more I keep getting fed up with my life. My dream of attending school overseas is swiftly dwindling and now I must figure out alternatives to continue to make my career work. Student aid is denying me on all fronts, so going to college in the United States won’t make a bit of difference. Instead I will have to pay for training out of pocket and continue to work low paying gigs in order to support myself. I guess it makes no difference, I would have had to take a low paying job in Ireland anyway to stay afloat. However, I really wanted to move away from my family and Delaware; to move to a city that supports the arts.
But all is not lost, I could go back to training where I started up in NYC at Studio 4 or stay in the Philly area and go back to Playhouse West Philadelphia. I’m still going to make a goal to move out of my family’s home. Staying in Delaware while working on an acting career has become cumbersome in traveling, opportunities, and expenses. Plus like I said the environment has become toxic (even though I love them) which is also dragging me down.
So I put myself out there to see if there are any opportunities that could make me union eligible and provide more paying opportunities along with more opportunities to have speaking parts. I’m probably going to have to make a customized reel and seek an agent as well. I have to keep going or I will be trapped in a void forever.
And my dad is in his 3rd visit to the hospital. There is so much to be done from now until I leave for school and I’m worried about his health. My sincerest hope is that he heals well and everything comes together for my move so I can finally get some semblance of peace.
Yesterday was my last working shift at Firefly. I bumped into the HR woman in charge of hiring me. I gave her my thanks as she was super helpful in giving me the information I needed not only for the bartending gig, but for the stage crew gig as well. I gave her the whole rundown of the events that happened: getting hired for brew crew, not getting called by the stage crew people until the day of the festival when I already committed to the other job, the stress of having to turn down the crew job I wanted for the job I committed to first. She was very sweet and gave me this word of advice “No worries dear. Sometimes you have to go to the dance with the boy who asked you first. It was just meant to work out like that.” Mind-blowing and she was right. I’m now going to use that advice with whatever I do from now on. Maybe I’m not actually the Goddess of Poor Timing.