Yesterday was my last working shift at Firefly. I bumped into the HR woman in charge of hiring me. I gave her my thanks as she was super helpful in giving me the information I needed not only for the bartending gig, but for the stage crew gig as well. I gave her the whole rundown of the events that happened: getting hired for brew crew, not getting called by the stage crew people until the day of the festival when I already committed to the other job, the stress of having to turn down the crew job I wanted for the job I committed to first. She was very sweet and gave me this word of advice “No worries dear. Sometimes you have to go to the dance with the boy who asked you first. It was just meant to work out like that.” Mind-blowing and she was right. I’m now going to use that advice with whatever I do from now on. Maybe I’m not actually the Goddess of Poor Timing.
Remember me telling you about the guy that I was in love with and broke my heart? Who suddenly reached out to me out of the blue a couple of months ago? Well he reached out to me again over the past few days on one of my social media sites to see how I was. And now because of that, I’m in a poor mood today.
No, I’m not going back to him. No, he is not making any attempt to try and date me either. Besides, he lives too far away as it is and I’m not interested in any long distance relationships. What I do think is happening, is that this is an unhealed situation that is brimming back to the surface. How do I know that, well I like to think that God leaves clues and the big one left for me was in the form of a video I watched the other day. It talked about how we treat unrequited love as something romantic when in fact it is absolute torture. In the past I have hoped and prayed that this guy would come to his senses. That somehow he would catch on that I’m the perfect woman for him, but that didn’t happen. I was too blinded by his potential instead of who he actually was to see why this wouldn’t work. He was in the military. He lived abroad in Africa for a bit and worked in the local communities. He was well read and had proper manners. He was clean cut and carried himself well. Worked with charities…but…He is a womanizer. Because of this, he was sexist. He would blatantly tell me he didn’t want a relationship with me and yet would still say that I the one he wants (I was foolish to go along with that and that was my fault for not establishing that boundary.) He wasn’t a good man even though he tried to portray himself as a good man to the public eye. And I fell for it.
So because of this, I think it’s best if I don’t date at all. There was someone like him afterward that I liked briefly, but yet again, he was too much like the unrequited love guy.
This is a lonely path, but it’s the only way I feel. There was a time when I really wanted to be in love and be married, but love just causes too much pain. But I’m grateful to have gotten to this point and know that this is a very toxic situation that I never want to get into again. Love just isn’t meant for everyone, like me.
Today I applied for a celebrity writing job. I have written about some of my frustrations with those type of journalists and how “click-baity” their sites can be; so the irony is not lost on me that my desperation for money has taken me down this dark path. Truth be told, I may not get it because 1) they wanted a blogger with 2+ years worth of experience and I only have less than a year. 2) The writing samples I chose from this page that is about celebrities, either had to do with comic cons or were incredibly snarky. 3) I’m just not cool enough to hang out in those kind of circles and 4) I’m admittedly a little bitter.
Hence the title of this post…Battling Schadenfreude. For those who are not familiar with this word, it’s German and it’s definition is: to experience joy from someone else’s misery. Especially if you are a little envious and seeing someone fail, that puts a song in your heart for some reason. But it’s a little tricky. I mean on many levels, this is very mean-spirited. You wouldn’t want someone to celebrate your downfall, so why do it to someone else? I did a little research on the subject and found that schadenfreude was found to be most prevalent by people who collectively do not like someone. A recent example of this is the failed Fyre Festival. Many people were so excited to see wealthy people get duped out of their money. With the mass income inequality going around, it makes sense. We poor people hate the rich for flaunting their wealth and leaving us out of the club. When they lost out on their money because of a poorly executed festival, it felt like Christmas. But…
This is really bad energy to put out. Why?
Because your deepest desires is to be one of those people. And…
Hate and resistance actually hinder your blessings. So…
You have to change the mindset of hate if you want to be part of that club.
Whatever your resist will persist, it’s better to embrace the fact that your station in life is not theirs, but you will make the best of what you have in front of you. And who knows…
Maybe the person you are experiencing schadenfreude on, secretly is jealous of you too. You never know.
My goal is to identify why I feel this way and figure out how to end it. My reason is due to receiving some news yesterday about a person that failed miserably, and I was too happy; to the point that I had to apologize to God for feeling that way.
This is a post I intend to keep. I have vented many times about the two friendships that I have had to cut off. The posts come off as very bitter and I have been made to feel bad about letting those friendships go from people that I’m still close to now. However, I see no reconciliation. There was too much chaos caused to me by these two individuals (like actually being put in dangerous and or unprofessional situations) that it’s not healthy for me to stay there anymore. It also makes me more angry that I’m not being supported in my decision to let them go even though they caused me harm. I’m supposed to blindly accept continual chaos and stress; perpetrated by people who really need to do a better job of getting their shit together. Not everyone deserves your loyalty, and they will always show their true colors if you pay attention.
I know I rant quite a bit on this blog. Many of the things I do discuss, come off as depressing or bitter. I’m in awareness of this and I’m trying to stop…but sometimes things just need to be said.
On that note, here’s my problem now: I’m in a situation where I have to stay mum, even though I feel someone should be called out on their BS. It’s a horrible position to be in, especially in a professional setting like my dilemma. So what do I do? Stay mum, but no longer work with those people.
(Just keep sipping that tea…)
The benefit of not having to work with that group anymore is that I open myself to new opportunities. Moving overseas is one of them. I don’t feel tied down or tied to any organization which gives me a great deal of freedom. I hope one day in a professional sense, I earn a level of recognition and respect to be able to take a stronger stance. To be able to call someone out on their BS and have enough weight with my words that it spurs change. Until then, I am just the little guy.
I consider last Wednesday to be my last time on set as a background actress. And what a way to finish out…with Quantico. It’s really funny considering, that was the show I started with. It was even more fitting that I was in an early episode, a middle episode, and the season finale as probably the same character in Quantico world; Someone upscale from the D.C. area. Another thing that made that role interesting, is that I was born in D.C., so I probably gave off the vibe of a Preppy D.C. resident when they cast me.
I haven’t too much other work than Gotham, Homeland, and Untouchable. The decision to stop was based off of many factors: cost of travel, lack of time, and of course trying to find a little more stable work in my area. I may find my way back to New York before leaving for Ireland, but at least not until May. (I’m booked with stuff near my home until then.) Plus I want to do something different. Maybe some Non-Descript stunt work on a show, some modeling jobs, maybe go to a high profile party, or even attend another Broadway show.
I have enough acting gigs here at home. Titanic is coming up and soon after, Orange is the New Musical. That will be the last run of my U.S. season until I move to Dublin. After that it will just be teaching pole, hopefully hearing back from some of the scholarships I put in for, visiting my family and friends and kissing them goodbye, maybe working some odd jobs. Still, I’m a little sad. I love working in New York, I just want to work there a different way.
Now that I’m officially moving to Ireland in a few months, it’s crunch time. Not only to pull money together, but to also connect with my friends and see them in person before I go. I managed to reconnect with one of my friends that I met on the set of Quantico, and I would like to keep that trend going. So in the middle of finding a temporary job, applying for scholarships, and performing in the shows I’m dedicated to; I need to maintain a social life. Will I be able to do it? Who knows.