I Got A Little Triggered Today…

(Source: Saturday Night Live and NBC)

I watched ‘Ingrid Goes West’ earlier today at the independent theatre I used to work at. It was a good film, but I got a little triggered. Much like the heroine of the film, I too struggle with mental illness; which left me questioning myself and life in general…am I like Ingrid?

The answer is quite possibly, yes. Though it was more on a “seeking out a boyfriend” level, rather than trying to make friends or try to be cool. (After being rejected several times, I came to accept being a bit of a loser with guys; but my friendships with women and men are my saving grace.)

In the end, Ingrid had a positive resolution. Me…well my luck in the guy department has not.

It is what it is.

Mad Money

(Source: Is featured on the bottom left of this meme and Pinterest.)

I’m definitely going all in with my acting career. However, I will always have some sort of a side hustle to keep me alive too. Why? Because of things like this, or like this; or the two instances of my loss of employment that both led to extreme poverty and initially to homelessness.

My mother passed down a term to me that she learned from her mother…”always have Mad Money.” If you are familiar with the term, great! For those that aren’t, all it means that if you are a woman who is on a date with a man that is untoward in any way, you always keep a store of cash on you to be able to take a cab home and buy your own dinner.

When it comes to work, it should be the same way. I nor you should be beholden to abuse by superiors because you really need the work; and although it is my dream to take my career as far as it can go, the entertainment industry is basically the Wild West when it comes down to workplace conduct. I would love to be able to have the freedom to walk away with my chosen finger in the air if I hear a producer, director, co-star, or any employer say “if you defy me, you’ll never work in this business again.” That is when you can walk away with confidence.

Sigh…😔

(Source: Facebook.)

The prognosis on my dad is not good and he is depressed. No, he is not dying, but he has to get additional surgery and tons of antibiotics. Honestly this sucks. My dad used to be so healthy. Once again, I feel powerless in figuring out how to make things better. I’m a little worried about his condition affecting his quality of life. The whole healthcare argument in D.C. isn’t helping things either.

(Source: Facebook.)

Updates

(Source: The Simpsons and Fox. This is my current mood)

Hello! I didn’t mean to be so sparse in my writing, but I was all over the place both physically and mentally that I haven’t really been able to pull it together. I have good news and not so good news.

The good news first: I won my court case to get my medical bills paid from my car accident. My medical team did everything in their power to put me back together and my insurance wouldn’t pay for my care. Yesterday, my parents and I signed off on the paperwork to officially close the case and my medical team has now been paid.

The not so good news: My dad is still having issues related to his illness and has to be re-admitted to the hospital for another surgery and treatment. It’s not life threatening (at least I hope) but it is getting ridiculous and very upsetting.

What I do have upcoming: As I said previously, I’m stage managing at Bootless for Tick, Tick…Boom! Our preview shows are this weekend and we run our regular shows the first two weekends in October.

I have an audition during the day this Saturday for a SAG backed project as I am on the hunt for my last SAG waiver to get into the union. No matter what happens, I will at least know that I took a chance to achieve a goal.

After TTB finishes it’s run, I will have a small box office gig at the Penns Landing Playhouse in Philadelphia. It will be a fair little bit of money for me to earn while I’m working on other projects.

I’m still trying to book other gigs and maybe a part-time day job. I need to stack cash right now (especially since I may have to pay a large membership fee to SAG), so I’m looking for what will give me the most money. I may go back to bartending or serving for that.

That’s all I have for now.

New York So Far

(My tourist photo lol!)

I arrived back in New York this past Friday to attend a stunt training and to work a volunteer gig for NYFW. So far, so good.

(Taken yesterday. They were doing Stair Falls. Since it’s my first class they didn’t have me do this yet.)

The stunt training went particularly well. Much of the essential skills that they teach are very similar to what I was learning in Unarmed Stage Combat, but with tweaks that read for film. I plan on taking more trainings until I’m good and ready to do this professionally.

(Taken earlier today.)

Since it was so nice today and I had free time, I took the subway down to Coney Island to walk around. I haven’t been to Coney in 8 years and I just wanted to buzz around to see if anything has changed. Not much though it does seem like they are building more apartments in the area. It’s still Coney and I love it.

(Taken yesterday before taking the train to stunt class.)

Tomorrow I meet up with a friend and former co-worker I haven’t seen in person in a long time. (Although we correspond regularly on social media.) She is getting married next month, and since I am unable to attend her wedding; I wanted to give her part of her wedding gift when I see her:

(A Signed Tom Hiddleston postcard that was gifted to me from Wizard World Philadelphia last year.)

This was given to me by the friend of the young lady that I calmed down from a panic attack before meeting him at the convention last year. My friend is a major fan of his (me, not so much…at least not anymore) so I felt that this postcard would be in better hands with her. I can’t wait to see her as we have much catching up to do.

I will update more later once I go to the Jason Wu Grey Out event and after the Chulo Underwear NYFW event I’m working.

The Snake

I have a now former friend who just THRIVES on self-victimization and attention from my family. One of the reasons why I cut off communication from her was the fact that she would constantly call us in a crisis (seriously one of the times she called put me in serious physical danger) and later goes back into the chaos.

I’ve written about her before, but had later deleted those posts because they were too mean and I want to be the bigger person in this situation. However, she keeps pulling at my mother’s heartstrings and frankly I’m getting tired of the nonsense. She’s a manipulator plain and simple.

Multiple times over have my family and members of her own family offered her help out of the mess. She refuses the help and even spit at us when we couldn’t pay attention at any given time when she wanted to cry wolf. Now she claims to be in dire situation and I don’t trust her. My mother is trying to convince me to be ok with helping her. No. Just no.

(Source: Daria and MTV.)

I’m sorry to rant like this, but most of the stress I have had to deal with last year was due to this former friend, while going through my own hell. I’m staying away from this a far as I possibly can.

I’m a Part-Time New Yorker

(Taken this past Monday on my way to my aunt’s place.)

“My mother away from my mother” as she likes to call herself; my aunt insists that I stay with her any time while I’m New York for work or training. This is a BIG deal as just staying in New York can be insanely expensive. My mom and I are so grateful to her that now I bring wine and flowers with every trip that I take.

As I sit here, still sad about what happened with Dublin, I look at the silver lining of this situation:

•Taking the background job on the show ‘Bull’ was super beneficial to me. I earned two SAG vouchers with one more to go and received solid career advice from the featured cast and crew. Because of that I now have clear goals on what to do next. If going to Dublin worked out, there’s a chance that I wouldn’t have taken this gig because it was too close to my departure date.

•One of the background cast members I worked with is also working NYFW. I offered my services as a stagehand and now I may have that as a gig. (More details to come.)

•I wouldn’t have had this opportunity to stay in NY when I wanted. Much of the reason why I wasn’t picking up speaking roles or booking agents in Philadelphia is because the city is so limited in this aspect. There’s just no space for me here even though it’s my closest market for work. If I want to take my career seriously (as my cast mate Jada would say) I have to be in New York.

•With that said, there is still plenty to do in Wilmington and Philadelphia. Both locations are strong contenders in live theatre and I still have work to do down here. Plus my business address will remain in Delaware, so this is not a permanent move.

Overall, this is a giant breakthrough for me. I feel more confident and ready to work. Since I will be in New York, I will continue my training up here. No it won’t count towards a degree but it will count on a resume and that is just as important.

In Today’s News

(Source: Kevin Gates, Facebook)

I just caught wind of the essay about a director, whose works I enjoy, and his ex-wife and I have thoughts about it.

I don’t think the infidelities is hypocritical of feminism. However, it is abusive and we should call him for what he is: an abuser. This is not a bash against her, because her pain is VALID. As someone who has dealt with the same type of man herself, let me reword this in bullet points to convey a stronger message:

•A man or woman who puts their partner’s (and the people they cheated with) health and mental wellbeing in jeopardy is an abuser.

•A man or woman who gaslights his or her partner (and the people they cheated with) and doesn’t truly allow that partner to walk away and heal is an abuser.

•A man or woman who fights for equality, but is abusive to their partner is not a hypocrite; ACTUALLY, true equality comes from the fact that they are both free to be absolutely shitty human beings. (Terrible, but true.)

•A man or woman who is publicly self-righteous about being faithful, but is committing infidelities out of the public eye is a hypocrite.

•This will affect her with future decisions in picking a partner.

•This will deteriorate her trust in love.

•This will affect any mutual friendships they had.

•This has changed her entire life for better or for worse.

And for that, I pray for her peace and healing.

Keeping to Myself

Yesterday I was scheduled to work a gig at an event that would have paid me a little bit of money. The company ended up not needing me, which added to the list of lost gigs that I had this summer. Me, trying to be transparent, posted about my lost gig on my regular social media site. Some people misinterpreted as me quitting acting for good, even though I said I'm not but taking a different approach. Needless to say I got a little frustrated and made another post to clarify the situation which led me to getting a text from a friend of mine with some advice.

Basically he told me that I have such a huge support system now and everyone wants to help, although he admits it may not be the help that I'm looking for. So I have to tread carefully from here on out and not get frustrated with them. He's right. However it puts me in a very awkward position as I feel that now I can't be transparent anymore. I may have to flat out lie about my life being sunshine and rainbows when it's really not.

So it pains me to say this, but now all of my social media, including this blog, is not going to have as many updates unless it's good news. I don't think I'm a fashion influencer with the M2M network anymore (I emailed them to see if I was doing enough but got no response) but I think I will post more fillers from them. Also get back to writing my story prompts since I have to flesh out a story around the theme and vocabulary they give me.

This seems extreme, but there is good reason for it. I've already lost two friends from misunderstanding and I really don't have it in me to lose more.

I’m Choosing Not to Date

A guy that I flat out told that I'm not going to date, messaged me today to "check on me." I sound like a horrible person writing about my annoyance of this; but I want to clarify that I, have a really bad pattern of attracting or dating men who don't really care about me. What does this mean? Doesn't that guy care enough to check on you? The answer is no. What he's really doing is checking to see if I changed my mind about not dating him and that is what bothers me.

It's becoming increasingly difficult to find a guy that is genuine. Especially now that I am an actress and a model. Something about being in this career field is appealing to men. Much of it, I'm sure has to do with bragging rights. Who doesn't want to date a model/actress? The issue here is that it violates a rule that I have…the 23:6 rule.

I adopted this rule from a friend of mine. We discussed (over many shots of whiskey and after my awful heartbreak) why I should really hold out and be selfish about what I really want in a guy. This is what he told me:

For at least 1 hour every day and 1 day every week, the person you are dating will consider you to be the most ideal. Be it your looks, your job, your income status, your personality. But what about those other 23 hours of the day and those other 6 days of the week? The time when you are not so loveable? The time when that job you have takes more time than you can spend with him? When you gain weight? When money is really tight? When you're having a bad day and you need time to recuperate? If he can't love you at the worst time in your life, he is not permitted to love you at your best time.

My friend is so right. I apply this rule with every man that I meet now. Especially if he gives indication that I am only going to be a convenience, and not a priority to him.