I Got A Little Triggered Today…

(Source: Saturday Night Live and NBC)

I watched ‘Ingrid Goes West’ earlier today at the independent theatre I used to work at. It was a good film, but I got a little triggered. Much like the heroine of the film, I too struggle with mental illness; which left me questioning myself and life in general…am I like Ingrid?

The answer is quite possibly, yes. Though it was more on a “seeking out a boyfriend” level, rather than trying to make friends or try to be cool. (After being rejected several times, I came to accept being a bit of a loser with guys; but my friendships with women and men are my saving grace.)

In the end, Ingrid had a positive resolution. Me…well my luck in the guy department has not.

It is what it is.

Mad Money

(Source: Is featured on the bottom left of this meme and Pinterest.)

I’m definitely going all in with my acting career. However, I will always have some sort of a side hustle to keep me alive too. Why? Because of things like this, or like this; or the two instances of my loss of employment that both led to extreme poverty and initially to homelessness.

My mother passed down a term to me that she learned from her mother…”always have Mad Money.” If you are familiar with the term, great! For those that aren’t, all it means that if you are a woman who is on a date with a man that is untoward in any way, you always keep a store of cash on you to be able to take a cab home and buy your own dinner.

When it comes to work, it should be the same way. I nor you should be beholden to abuse by superiors because you really need the work; and although it is my dream to take my career as far as it can go, the entertainment industry is basically the Wild West when it comes down to workplace conduct. I would love to be able to have the freedom to walk away with my chosen finger in the air if I hear a producer, director, co-star, or any employer say “if you defy me, you’ll never work in this business again.” That is when you can walk away with confidence.

Sigh…😔

(Source: Facebook.)

The prognosis on my dad is not good and he is depressed. No, he is not dying, but he has to get additional surgery and tons of antibiotics. Honestly this sucks. My dad used to be so healthy. Once again, I feel powerless in figuring out how to make things better. I’m a little worried about his condition affecting his quality of life. The whole healthcare argument in D.C. isn’t helping things either.

(Source: Facebook.)

A Serious Topic

(Source: Ekhi-Guinea, Deviant Art.)

The artwork above is not meant to be funny. What it represents to me is what I see going on in the World right now. While it has been said that right now is the safest time to be alive and that media coverage just puts more emphasis on the negative; when you have events like the mass shooting in Las Vegas last night, Puerto Rico in peril, violence in Spain and Catalonia, and anger over athletes trying kneel for the deaths in the black community…I feel nothing but powerless and basically watching my planet die.

All of this seething hatred means there is a serious lack of love and deep rooted pain. We somehow need to disrupt the pattern or drown in it. But how?

No Sense of Urgency

(Source: Facebook)

I have a laundry list of things to do today and the only thing I got done was: laundry.

I have no motivation. Or should I say, I’m not caffeinated. Because of my bad panic attacks I made it a point to severely reduce and even cut out caffeine in the past couple of weeks. It’s been leaving me super tired, foggy, and dragging.

What can I do though? I can’t get crippled by a panic attack like I did in Manhattan. I just want to function like a normal human being again…sigh.

Updates

(Source: The Simpsons and Fox. This is my current mood)

Hello! I didn’t mean to be so sparse in my writing, but I was all over the place both physically and mentally that I haven’t really been able to pull it together. I have good news and not so good news.

The good news first: I won my court case to get my medical bills paid from my car accident. My medical team did everything in their power to put me back together and my insurance wouldn’t pay for my care. Yesterday, my parents and I signed off on the paperwork to officially close the case and my medical team has now been paid.

The not so good news: My dad is still having issues related to his illness and has to be re-admitted to the hospital for another surgery and treatment. It’s not life threatening (at least I hope) but it is getting ridiculous and very upsetting.

What I do have upcoming: As I said previously, I’m stage managing at Bootless for Tick, Tick…Boom! Our preview shows are this weekend and we run our regular shows the first two weekends in October.

I have an audition during the day this Saturday for a SAG backed project as I am on the hunt for my last SAG waiver to get into the union. No matter what happens, I will at least know that I took a chance to achieve a goal.

After TTB finishes it’s run, I will have a small box office gig at the Penns Landing Playhouse in Philadelphia. It will be a fair little bit of money for me to earn while I’m working on other projects.

I’m still trying to book other gigs and maybe a part-time day job. I need to stack cash right now (especially since I may have to pay a large membership fee to SAG), so I’m looking for what will give me the most money. I may go back to bartending or serving for that.

That’s all I have for now.

My Nerves Are Bad

So this entire New York trip has triggered my anxiety so much, that I had a really bad panic attack yesterday on 9th Ave.

It’s not New York though. I was having the same issues, recently, while in Los Angeles and Las Vegas. The last time I had a really bad episode like this was in England back when I was 17; that ended with me fainting.

It’s weird though, because I’m not homesick or anything. Plus I have really enjoyed my time in all of those places and never once had an episode when I went to Japan 7 years ago.

I have had panic attacks throughout my adult life. However, they were very spotty and usually came after big stressors. (I have big stressors right now for sure.) The ones where I take trips though are very troubling and I want to get them under control.

I know what chemicals in my body trigger an attack. I also know that my thoughts don’t help either and I can maintain control. There are some things I am going to work on when I get home, like meditation and possibly start running to wear some of it off. It’s just frustrating to go through this right now.

The Sting Still Remains…

(Source: Classical Art Memes Facebook.)

Today would have been my orientation at my school. Alas, I am here stateside. I know I droll on and on about school, but I really wanted this.

It has been my dream to study overseas since I was a kid although the country and major was different back then. It all feels like a bad heartbreak. Hell, the pain from this is worse than the heartbreak I received from the guy I was in love with! Maybe because I had more control over this situation and still failed; as opposed to trying to win the love of someone who didn’t love me, which is completely out of my control.

I’m just really sad, but I’m trying to find ways to channel that sadness into something productive.

The Snake

I have a now former friend who just THRIVES on self-victimization and attention from my family. One of the reasons why I cut off communication from her was the fact that she would constantly call us in a crisis (seriously one of the times she called put me in serious physical danger) and later goes back into the chaos.

I’ve written about her before, but had later deleted those posts because they were too mean and I want to be the bigger person in this situation. However, she keeps pulling at my mother’s heartstrings and frankly I’m getting tired of the nonsense. She’s a manipulator plain and simple.

Multiple times over have my family and members of her own family offered her help out of the mess. She refuses the help and even spit at us when we couldn’t pay attention at any given time when she wanted to cry wolf. Now she claims to be in dire situation and I don’t trust her. My mother is trying to convince me to be ok with helping her. No. Just no.

(Source: Daria and MTV.)

I’m sorry to rant like this, but most of the stress I have had to deal with last year was due to this former friend, while going through my own hell. I’m staying away from this a far as I possibly can.

In Today’s News

(Source: Kevin Gates, Facebook)

I just caught wind of the essay about a director, whose works I enjoy, and his ex-wife and I have thoughts about it.

I don’t think the infidelities is hypocritical of feminism. However, it is abusive and we should call him for what he is: an abuser. This is not a bash against her, because her pain is VALID. As someone who has dealt with the same type of man herself, let me reword this in bullet points to convey a stronger message:

•A man or woman who puts their partner’s (and the people they cheated with) health and mental wellbeing in jeopardy is an abuser.

•A man or woman who gaslights his or her partner (and the people they cheated with) and doesn’t truly allow that partner to walk away and heal is an abuser.

•A man or woman who fights for equality, but is abusive to their partner is not a hypocrite; ACTUALLY, true equality comes from the fact that they are both free to be absolutely shitty human beings. (Terrible, but true.)

•A man or woman who is publicly self-righteous about being faithful, but is committing infidelities out of the public eye is a hypocrite.

•This will affect her with future decisions in picking a partner.

•This will deteriorate her trust in love.

•This will affect any mutual friendships they had.

•This has changed her entire life for better or for worse.

And for that, I pray for her peace and healing.