As of right now, the festival is already 10 minutes and I’m still not assigned to a bar tent or making any money right now. As you very well know, I turned down the stage crew position because it was so last minute, and that position is now gone. Now I’m working nothing and missing out on money that could definitely go towards my education. I may be super emotional just because it’s incredibly hot out here today and I need to pee. But honestly looking at how my life operates in general…well constant misalignments like this is one of the reasons I’ve just don’t want to carry on anymore. I’m cursed, I swear!
It’s the first day of Firefly and I’m already over it, and I haven’t even started yet! Why am I so upset? Well it’s due to the fact that I WAS actually hired for the Firefly Stage Crew, but had received no correspondence about this position until today! My feelings are so hurt right now as this poor timing thing is a life pattern I’ve never been able to shake. I always miss golden opportunities, meet the right guy at the wrong time, and like today, I’m scheduled to work something different on the same day. This is really upsetting…
It seems that every time I break down into uncontrollable sobbing, the next day it manifests into something amazing. This happened when I got accepted for school, when I cry about money, when I generally feel like my life is going nowhere: and then BOOM!!! PROGRESS!!
What the hell?
As much as I like having increase in my life, the fact that I have to go into a mode of deep depression is not my idea of a good time. But then again…it’s not supposed to be my idea of a good time, but that of my creator. I couldn’t possibly tell you why this is, maybe it’s to show that I really want it. Maybe it’s negative energy I need to release in order for the good to come in. It could possibly be an alarm telling me that the good is coming and uses my tears as an indicator. Whatever way it is, let’s just say that currently I’m a hot mess of tears, and that most likely means something amazing is going to happen tomorrow. 😭😭😭😭
No, I didn’t disappear. It’s been an incredibly hectic week. My dad ended up back in the hospital, which he will stay for another week. I didn’t book any work and my money is dwindling. I have yet to hear from student aid and since I’m moving to Ireland, dad’s job has to go to someone who will be committed to it for a while. Basically, life is kinda rough right now. I’m completely beside myself and I’m not sure what to do.
(I sound like a broken record at this point.)
So what is good? I’m taking Muay Thai right now and the studio isn’t far from home. I’m booked to see my friends on the West Coast and Vegas, so that’s cool. I don’t have too much else to report. Hopefully something good will come my way soon.
Part of the reason why I’m horribly depressed is due to my environment. I live in Wilmington, DE; dubbed by Newsweek in 2014 as:
The statistics are horrendous. As of yesterday, our city has had its 78th victim in the year to date.
One of the 23 homicides in the year 2014 was a former co-worker of mine: Crystal Brown, who’s family has yet to get justice as no one in the area will report who delivered the fatal shot that night. She was an innocent bystander exiting a corner store after buying snacks.
Back in 2015 there were talks of Jada Pinkett-Smith starring in and being the executive producer of an ABC television pilot with the same title “Murder Town” which caused an uproar in our city. The issue was not only the plot (the only black female district attorney of Wilmington, DE takes on a highly political case along with dealing with the pressures of her job) but there was also no indication of the show actually being filmed in Wilmington; which would at least bring some much needed money to our city, since poverty is the biggest factor for crime. ABC has since dropped this project.
My heart hurts for this city. We are rich in history but it is being overshadowed by poverty, homelessness, high crime, and being held in contempt by our suburban neighbors:
My hope is, that there is industry that comes to this city and helps pull my neighbors out of this nightmare. Without gentrification (which is occurring here. We are 66% African American population and the majority currently) and won’t go out of business suddenly. This is all I could ask for.
Remember me telling you about the guy that I was in love with and broke my heart? Who suddenly reached out to me out of the blue a couple of months ago? Well he reached out to me again over the past few days on one of my social media sites to see how I was. And now because of that, I’m in a poor mood today.
No, I’m not going back to him. No, he is not making any attempt to try and date me either. Besides, he lives too far away as it is and I’m not interested in any long distance relationships. What I do think is happening, is that this is an unhealed situation that is brimming back to the surface. How do I know that, well I like to think that God leaves clues and the big one left for me was in the form of a video I watched the other day. It talked about how we treat unrequited love as something romantic when in fact it is absolute torture. In the past I have hoped and prayed that this guy would come to his senses. That somehow he would catch on that I’m the perfect woman for him, but that didn’t happen. I was too blinded by his potential instead of who he actually was to see why this wouldn’t work. He was in the military. He lived abroad in Africa for a bit and worked in the local communities. He was well read and had proper manners. He was clean cut and carried himself well. Worked with charities…but…He is a womanizer. Because of this, he was sexist. He would blatantly tell me he didn’t want a relationship with me and yet would still say that I the one he wants (I was foolish to go along with that and that was my fault for not establishing that boundary.) He wasn’t a good man even though he tried to portray himself as a good man to the public eye. And I fell for it.
So because of this, I think it’s best if I don’t date at all. There was someone like him afterward that I liked briefly, but yet again, he was too much like the unrequited love guy.
This is a lonely path, but it’s the only way I feel. There was a time when I really wanted to be in love and be married, but love just causes too much pain. But I’m grateful to have gotten to this point and know that this is a very toxic situation that I never want to get into again. Love just isn’t meant for everyone, like me.
My birthday is coming up this Friday and I’m starting to make a clear assessment and some hard decisions for my life. I want to leave the US knowing that I will be financially secure in Ireland. I want to be able to see my friends and family before I go. I want to be able to continue working in my industry while in school. Ultimately all I want is a better life for myself.
No, not everything is bad, but it’s not amazing either. With that said, all I can do is press on as I have been, even though I’m getting to the point where I’m pretty much crying everyday. With that said, here are the things going right:
I’m performing the last two shows of “Orange Is The New Musical” this weekend and the creators of the musical are flying in from L.A. to watch one of the shows. They are going to do a sort-of talk back to the audience and the cast which should be very fun.
The shoot that I’m doing for the film “Without You” is also this weekend where I play one of the strippers in the scene. I have a cute outfit ready and raring to go, along with trying to drop as much weight, wrapping, and tanning myself as much as possible. I have a stripper background myself, so it’s nice to be able to utilize that background for an actual film. Who knows, maybe I should go back if I want to raise the funds needed for school. Once I move to Ireland, I’m not allowed to dance anyway, it can be a last hurrah.
My Jane Austen scholarship essay is due the following weekend. I’m going to be responsible and get it done and turned in this weekend so I’m not stressed out about it. The guidelines are fairly easy so it shouldn’t take too long to write an 8 page paper with a citation page right? Right?!
Time to get to work…happy birthday to me *sigh*.