There is a lot going on in this world right now, as well as in my personal life. Like I detailed before, much of it I was advised not to talk about on this blog. Because of that advice, I'm keeping it all within a journal. Not hard since I already keep one for work. The sad thing is, looking at my words written down reflects how truly low and angry I feel. I'm beginning to see where hate stems from: inadequacy and broken dreams.
(Source: Greg Mania on Twitter.)
The new IKEA catalog came out and I received it in the mail yesterday. It's a little bittersweet especially since I'm no longer moving to Ireland. What I like about it is that it gets the wheels turning in my head. What would my future home look like and where will it be? I already know from having cleaned large mansions that I really want something small and modest. This is funny since it goes against my zodiac of Taurus, who lives for luxury and having many expensive things to brag about.
But…I was recently very poor and at one point: homeless, so having the largest and most expensively filled home is not on my priority list. I'd rather have that money in my pocket for emergencies, the occasional splurge every now and then, and the freedom of time. As much as I like to work, I don't want to work so much to maintain my home that I don't get to enjoy living in it. My first priority is to move out from where I am right now. (Probably to Philadelphia.) Next will be to furnish my home. (IKEA!) After that, lots and lots of gigs mixed with couch potato time.
Yesterday I was scheduled to work a gig at an event that would have paid me a little bit of money. The company ended up not needing me, which added to the list of lost gigs that I had this summer. Me, trying to be transparent, posted about my lost gig on my regular social media site. Some people misinterpreted as me quitting acting for good, even though I said I'm not but taking a different approach. Needless to say I got a little frustrated and made another post to clarify the situation which led me to getting a text from a friend of mine with some advice.
Basically he told me that I have such a huge support system now and everyone wants to help, although he admits it may not be the help that I'm looking for. So I have to tread carefully from here on out and not get frustrated with them. He's right. However it puts me in a very awkward position as I feel that now I can't be transparent anymore. I may have to flat out lie about my life being sunshine and rainbows when it's really not.
So it pains me to say this, but now all of my social media, including this blog, is not going to have as many updates unless it's good news. I don't think I'm a fashion influencer with the M2M network anymore (I emailed them to see if I was doing enough but got no response) but I think I will post more fillers from them. Also get back to writing my story prompts since I have to flesh out a story around the theme and vocabulary they give me.
This seems extreme, but there is good reason for it. I've already lost two friends from misunderstanding and I really don't have it in me to lose more.
A guy that I flat out told that I'm not going to date, messaged me today to "check on me." I sound like a horrible person writing about my annoyance of this; but I want to clarify that I, have a really bad pattern of attracting or dating men who don't really care about me. What does this mean? Doesn't that guy care enough to check on you? The answer is no. What he's really doing is checking to see if I changed my mind about not dating him and that is what bothers me.
It's becoming increasingly difficult to find a guy that is genuine. Especially now that I am an actress and a model. Something about being in this career field is appealing to men. Much of it, I'm sure has to do with bragging rights. Who doesn't want to date a model/actress? The issue here is that it violates a rule that I have…the 23:6 rule.
I adopted this rule from a friend of mine. We discussed (over many shots of whiskey and after my awful heartbreak) why I should really hold out and be selfish about what I really want in a guy. This is what he told me:
For at least 1 hour every day and 1 day every week, the person you are dating will consider you to be the most ideal. Be it your looks, your job, your income status, your personality. But what about those other 23 hours of the day and those other 6 days of the week? The time when you are not so loveable? The time when that job you have takes more time than you can spend with him? When you gain weight? When money is really tight? When you're having a bad day and you need time to recuperate? If he can't love you at the worst time in your life, he is not permitted to love you at your best time.
My friend is so right. I apply this rule with every man that I meet now. Especially if he gives indication that I am only going to be a convenience, and not a priority to him.
This shoot is going to have live updates all the way through so strap in, it's going to be a bumpy ride.
I should have just followed my intuition when I got the email for this project this morning. My fault for being stupid, not wording my responses strong enough, and not sticking to my gut.
Pretty much from the jump I told the casting director of this project that if not having a reel would disqualify me from having a part to disregard my application.
Instead they felt that I was qualified enough to be a part of it. The next email I received included the part about being
willing to be a part of the background.
And here was my mistake…I should have said "No, I'm not willing" instead of
I'm really pissed at myself for this whole situation. Part of me does not want to show up, but as I already confirmed to be there (after receiving the script BTW which I shouldn't see if I'm not talking) would be unprofessional on my part. I'm not getting paid for this, I have to bring my own costuming, I have to pay for train fare to get there just to waste my time and money. And now I feel even worse for complaining about this as it makes me sound like a Diva. The only reason I'm still going is because the production company probably has no idea that I wanted a speaking part as this entire booking was done through a casting director. Do you see why I was seeking out an agent? So I wouldn't get screwed like this. Not only am I the Goddess of Poor Timing but of Poor Wording as well. Fuck my life.
All you need to do is tell me I'm not doing enough for my career or making money. Especially when it comes from someone who knows I'm notorious for holding down multiple jobs at a time.
I'm in a weird spot in my life right now. I was on the verge of being fired from my conventional job because I had to call out to take on gigs. As much as I hate doing that (I'd rather make all of the money) I had to leave. When that happened instead of completely sitting on my ass, I began to help my friend with her housekeeping business and teaching on the side. With that I still felt like I needed more of a cushion, so then I put in for work from home jobs that come with schedule flexibility. You know….so I'm not poor.
But life took a different turn and even still to this day I look for work I can do while doing what I love. Now that I'm not going to school and quitting working gigs during the week, I'm in the process of looking for a regular job again. A few opportunities have come up and I'm going to make those work, along with possibly adding another job to the mix. Tell me how I'm not doing enough again?
Considering the source, it's safe to say they don't do enough. God forbid they shoulder any of their mess.
I really can't deal with people sometimes.
At the request of my friends and family, I did try to go out for another film project. Mind you this is a film project that is Unpaid and open to everyone. The responding email included "do you have a reel?"
I thought the purpose of doing unpaid film work was to, in fact, build a reel. That's what the agents recommended to me. That's what all of the actors I'm associated with tell me to do. Needless to say I asked them to disregard my application and sorry for wasting their time.
And with that said; I'm never attempting to do film ever again.
On a somewhat positive note, I'm getting another chance to perform Shakespeare again. A theatre troupe in South Jersey needs a replacement for the role or Orlando in As You Like It, since their original actor dropped out. I audition for it on Tuesday. Fingers Crossed that I land it.
(This was me watching your interview.)
I just want you to know that I have a serious distaste for celebrity gossip. However when something like this falls in my lap I cannot avoid it. Especially since this is so close to home I need to address it.
I could care less about the before and after photos of you that are being spread around. I also could care less about how you live your life. In fact, I follow you on Instagram simply because you are a girl from my area that "made it"; but now I can no longer follow you.
The moment you set yourself apart from the women growing up in your neighborhood in South Philly, you made yourself ugly. Seriously. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure your statement came from wounds that are unhealed. I too have experienced my fair share of bullshit. This. Was. Not. The. Way. To. Address. That. Wound.
There were definitely ways you could have worded this differently to share your pain without diminishing the value of the other women in your neighborhood. I have friends that were born and raised in South Philly that are drop dead gorgeous; so basically, you disrespected my crew. Take the public's anger as a lesson.
So my mental health week is a total wash. A background job I put in for before attending the agents panel called me back. If it wasn't for the fact that money is tight, I probably would have turned it down. So I'm going for it. Even though I informed my family early on that I could use our car to go, all of a sudden they don't want me to use it to drive. (They don't trust that I won't be stuck on the side of the road somewhere.)
The logistics of getting there are so difficult, since the call time could possibly be so early that I won't be able to take the Greyhound. The point is to take a profit and I'm already cutting it down by half, by having to now rent a car and be driven there. My ear is being chewed off for something that should have had a simpler solution. Needless to say I'm not relaxing today either.
I also found out that my maternal grandfather is in the hospital too. Why is it, that the most important men in my life get sick whenever I'm trying to get ahead in life? Just like the theory I have about having a breakdown of tears followed by good news. It's just too weird. Both my paternal grandfather and my dad were rushed to the hospital right around the time I got accepted into school. My dad was rushed to the hospital again right around the time I applied for student aid. He was rushed to the hospital a third time while I was on the west coast for vacation; and now my maternal grandfather and my dad were rushed to the hospital while I was interviewing for a shoot that may take place in Seattle, Washington.
If this is God's way of keeping me close to home, he's picked a hell of a method to keep me here! I'm really not interested in killing off my relatives in my quest to move away. Still it's frustrating the way this is manifesting in my life. Staying in Delaware is not going to help me achieve my goals. If I want my life to shift, I need to make a shift. I wonder if moving to Philadelphia will help? At least I'm closer to the airport and the train station (which is crucial for my career.) It's still a major city with a huge theatre scene, and I'm only about a 40 minute drive from my home in Wilmington. Maybe that would appease the Gods.