(Filter courtesy of Snapchat.)
If you follow me on Instagram, I posted a story that many of my friends and family responded to me as depressing. While it may be, it was the truth.
2018, even with the good things that happened, was absolute garbage. Many of the goals I set for myself did not come into fruition. As a result I chose not to set new goals or resolutions for 2019. This way I have no expectations or disappointment when recapping 2019 on December 31st. It just is.
I also said there’s work to do, which is absolutely true. I have a workshop this weekend and an audition next Tuesday. I’m still without a home in Dublin (though I’m searching frantically) so I messaged the head of the department about what my options are if I can’t find a place before the 14th when the new semester starts.
As far as the school is concerned, I managed to get a shared lead role in a heavily abridged version of Shakespeare’s ‘The Tempest’ as Prospero. If I’m completely screwed to come back, the show will go on with the other actor fully taking on the mantle of Prospero which gives me comfort. I hate having to drop out of projects with no coverage.
I think this new year will be ok. There were definitely opportunities that presented themselves that I felt I should take. The main thing I need to do is stop thinking there’s only one way to have a successful acting career. That will open up things a bit.
Actually I think I’m just a trash actor regardless.
Ok maybe that’s a little harsh. However, I just saw the short film I worked on in school and needless to say: I’m not a fan of my performance.
My acting through screen coach says it’s not great to watch yourself on screen as it dashes your confidence. I’m inclined to agree. Film is a different beast from live theatre. It requires smaller movement due to the fact that the camera picks up every little detail on your face. For me, it’s not just my reactions that annoyed me, but my vocal inflection as well. It just sounded like I was reading the lines as opposed to breathing life into the character I was playing. It’s going to take a significant amount of more training for me to be comfortable with putting myself out to potential projects. Aside from the upcoming film I’m working on in the summer, I’m definitely not auditioning for any other projects in the meantime.
This is so disappointing.
(Taken last night when I walked into the house.)
I made it! It feels so good to be home too. Yes, things are finally calming down with school, but I still felt scattered and out of sorts. Landing on American soil not only rejuvenated my spirit, but calmed some of the anxiety I was feeling.
A couple of good things came out of my move to Ireland. 1) I’m down 20 lbs with 40 more to go. As long as I continue to work out while I’m home I should be able to shave off another 15 while I’m here. 2) I have a deeper appreciation for what I had back home. Things look less bleak and I’m ready to work my butt off as well.
I hope to post more now that I have a bit more time to work on my own projects. In the meantime, I’m going to rest.
(Source: Student Problems Facebook.)
One. More. Class.
Then I fly out on Tuesday morning back to the United States, and not a moment too soon. To say this semester kicked my ass is an understatement. Yes, it did improve, and so did I. However, the steps it took to get here were super treacherous. This trip back home will be a bit of a reprieve.
There are some updates I wanted to include in this post that I talked about in recent days:
• I’m no longer in the professor’s course that disrespected me in front of the entire class. I had to take the case up with the head of my major’s department and the academic dean to move me out of his class. I was moved to a different professor’s course where I’m ACTUALLY LEARNING my craft and it’s not being treated like a contestant for the teacher’s favorite student. The original professor still infuriates me. Not only in how he treated me, but the rumblings I’m hearing from how he is treating the other students. It also doesn’t help that he’s industry (working actor) too. If I ever have to work with him in a professional setting and he is disrespectful to me again, I hope I will be in a position of power by that point in time to call him out on his bullying instead of taking myself out of the situation like I did in class; which made me feel powerless. I suspect that is what he wanted all along. To make me feel powerless. He is a bully after all.
• The classmate finally came around and contributed the bare minimum to the group project and no need to “correct” my paper. Between my friend who also worked on the project calling them out their lack of effort and my email, it seems that kicked them in the pants enough to do some work. I hope to never have to work on another project with them ever again.
• The short film I worked on is coming together fast! We only shot it this past Wednesday and there is already a rough cut that was sent to the directors and the producer/writer of the production. Soon I hope to use some of the footage for my own show reel. Finally a friggin reel. It’s all coming together.
Aside from the updates, I managed to book another fit modeling gig back home and apply for some mini gigs. I’m also teaching at the dance studio this month starting next Thursday. My reprieve will be a bit busy, a bit profitable, and most of all it will be at home. I can’t wait!
(Source: Student Problems Facebook.)
It’s the last week of the semester, and, like always, there is fuckery afoot. There are a couple of projects that involve groups that I’m a part of, that are due this week. One of the projects in particular is close to bringing out “HR/Corporate Shamma.”
Why? Well, one individual in particular who has:
•Not consistently attended class.
•Not answer questions when asked on the group chat.
•Only wants to participate in the project according to their own terms and not the requirements of our professor. (Meaning they want to delegate all of the tasks to everyone else and do nothing themselves.)
Now has the absolute gall to send me an email requesting to forward all of my work to them, in order to make “corrections.”
They already showed their ass from the start when when they tried to accuse another student in the class of being flaky; when in fact the accuser is flaky as hell! Second of all…corrections? For what? They weren’t in class when all of the notes were taken and the professor knows I’m writing the paper. He has a keen idea on who’s been putting in work and who has not, so any “corrections” this person has to make is a desperate attempt to look like they did something.
Another point I want to add, is the background of this individual. Like me, they came from a previous profession (not corporate) before diving into Drama School. Which means they are also carrying a massive ego by thinking they are better than the other students here. But here’s the rub: the class we have this project for, is more suited to my previous industry than theirs. It’s the reason why I’m writing the report in the first place. Also, while my previous profession has been pivotal in how I navigate this industry, I’m not shitting on the other students for not having those skills. Instead I’m offering them up to be used to get us the best grade possible.
These skills are going to be dusted off, again, for the most scathing corporate email I can possibly write to this classmate. Including a corporate jargon way of conveying they are not getting my notes and go to hell.
I just had a long talk with my friend and classmate about memorization. Namely, we’re memorizing too many different texts. Since we have 10 classes, each class offers something different:
•A scene from an Irish play for Monday’s class.
•A piece of text from “The Tell Tale Heart” for the Tuesday morning class.
•A Shakespeare monologue for the Tuesday afternoon class.
•A scene from an Irish television show for Wednesday’s class.
•2 songs off book for vocal rep.
And that’s only this week.
Memorization is incredibly helpful, and over time, with enough training, I can memorize quickly. However, with stress, a varied schedule, and too many texts to learn, I’m far too scattered. With the way my brain works, I need to dedicate more time to learn a show or a piece of text than maybe the average person.
I pray to survive the semester with all of my texts in place. But I wish I could dedicate myself to one piece of text at a time.
(Source: Student Problems, Facebook.)
It’s officially day 1 of my week break with the school…it was needed.
An incident happened with the professor I was beginning to have conflict with that left me angry, in tears, and pretty much left the classroom never to return. I reported the incident to the head of the department and we are trying to find a way for me to still earn the credit without returning to that class. I will share more about what happened on Thursday and Friday after the break because it’s an ongoing issue that keeps spiraling.
For now, I have a ton of assignments to complete before the week is over:
•Reciting a monologue in Standard British
•Completing an essay for music theatre history class.
•Do research for event management class
•Practice my comedic Shakespeare monologues for one of my acting classes and read the two books that professor required us to read over the break.
•Learn a scene from an Irish play for my other acting professor.
•Last, but not least, watch a handful of movies and submit a side I created for acting on screen class.
It’s a lot and somehow I’m supposed to fit a social life in this week as well. Time to get to work.
I use this meme because it’s a process of appointments to get approval to work here. Especially with so many educational offerings from other theatre schools that my school does not offer in the slightest. Like:
•Casting and Auditions
•Stage Combat (primarily Rapier and Dagger work)
The Casting and Audition course is particularly interesting to me because that last audition I had back in December, I bombed completely. While my professors talk about auditions, they are not really touching on how difficult the process actually is. In fact many working actors in the thick of the industry say that auditioning is a skill of its own. Once you get a booking, doing the job is super easy.
The next beast to tame is the showreel. As I mentioned on a previous post, the hardest part of booking work has been a lack of a reel to present to potential casting agencies. Mainly due to not being cast in low budget or student films who are not paying me, but will compensate me with reel footage, but in order to be considered for a part, I must have a reel first…..
(Source: Twitter. Same, cute little dog, same.)
The workshop that is offering this is also teaching advanced techniques in working in film along with production of reel footage for me to use.
Of course, to cap it all off, there is another Stage Combat workshop that I want to take. Clearly I can’t get enough of this art, especially since I would be training in a brand new weapons category.
Two of the three courses are being paid for from my previous modeling jobs. The third I will need to find a job to pay for that course. Wish me luck!
(Source: somewhere on Twitter.)
I haven’t really talked too much about the apartment I was able to rent. Honestly my schedule doesn’t really permit for much of anything so it’s been difficult to stay consistent with this blog, but that complaint is for another time. However the time has come to not only talk about the apartment, but also why it’s forcing me to get in shape.
The apartment is really old and the bathroom is scary gross. The tenants are good people, so the lack of cleanliness is not a reflection on them. It has more to do with the fact that the last time the space was truly renovated was in the early 1900’s. I would fetch a guess that the bathroom has not had an update since the early 1990’s. There are all sorts of vermin crawling all over the place. I bought special storage bins for my clothing and toiletries so they wouldn’t have bugs in them. Plus I regularly check my suitcases and my bed to make sure no critters have crawled in them. It’s bad.
When it comes to using the bathroom, I hover squat over the toilet…IF I use it. I just use the toilet while I’m at school or at Starbucks mostly. The sink is disgusting, so I use the kitchen sink in my apartment to wash my hands and brush my teeth.
The worst part is the shower. This is a shared bathroom for 3 apartments within the building with 5 adults living there and for the shower to work it charges €2 for 5 minutes.
1) I need to take more than 5 minutes in the shower just for my hair alone. So in order for me to be truly cleansed, I would say I’m spending upwards of €6 per shower.
2) I bathe everyday, because I sweat profusely and I walk around in city pollution. €6 daily adds up big time. I’m looking at €168 monthly just to take a shower.
3) Since living in film and funk gives me anxiety, my family and I established that it would be cheaper to pay for a gym membership and use the shower there. Right now I’m on a student contract (3 month intervals) with a really posh gym in the city for only €45 per month.
So I’m taking advantage of my new membership by using the facilities for more than just hygiene purposes. I’m seriously out of shape and even though I lost a little weight since I got here, it wasn’t significant enough for me to buy new clothes or look better in photos. This is a good thing. I worked out after school today for 30 minutes and was already super winded. I’m now motivated to workout every day until that no longer is an issue. Hopefully I drop a few more pounds and gain some energy back.
Oh and I took a super long shower too.
(Source: Chappelle Show, Comedy Central.)
For me, singing is unquestionably painful and I’m beginning to butt heads with one of my professors. Yesterday’s class was the worst. I didn’t want to go up to sing, my voice broke down, and I was bored with my song.
It’s not a self-consciousness thing (which is something they talk about in class), it’s the fact that I don’t care. Yes, more professional actors need to be able to sing now. However, like I said in my previous post, it’s not my passion or priority. The reason why I performed in the musicals I’ve been in is that they allow me to be ensemble with minimal singing and I like that.
The biggest problem that I’m having with the program in general is the fact that they are not really listening when I previously said that my priority is acting and not song. I’d rather play to my strengths and not my weaknesses. I can project my voice loudly for a piece of text. Give me Tennessee Williams, give me Shakespeare, I got you covered. Give me a solo song in a musical and watch me bomb horribly.
So now all of this vocal coaching is becoming drudgery because I’m getting admonished by my professor for not singing well; when I didn’t want to be in the class in the first place. I’m only here to complete the credits. If you want beautiful singing, look to one of your Star Students who actually give a damn.