🤔

(Source: Facebook.)

Not two hours after writing the previous post about entering into a field of land mines, a.k.a. gross people, in my industry, I ran into one of the people I used to work alongside with everyday. He said he couldn’t be happier that great things are happening to me, and he hopes my career blossoms in big ways this year.

(Source: Giphy. Ok but seriously, who is chopping onions in here!?)

Fine then. The gross people won’t stop me from being great. Which is a good thing too.

I’m strangely optimistic.

Now optimism isn’t the same as excitement. No. Besides, any time I get too excited, the rug gets ripped out from under my feet.

So I’m entering this field with a LOT of caution, some hope, and zero giddiness. I hope to report some progress soon.

The Belly of the Beast

(Source: Futurama FOX and Facebook.)

I booked my first job of the year yesterday morning. While I won’t share what the project is about, it does have a possibility of the footage being used on a national scale, which means it will also be my highest paying job. Needless to say, I was excited.

Then that bubble got popped. Later on I caught an article about James Franco and his involvement with teen girls and a revelation by Ally Sheedy. I guess it was a good thing I never worked on his project. Still I am complicit because I paid money to train at his school, paid money to see his film, and wrote a whole praise post about him.

Given how terrible the abuses are in this industry, it makes me wonder if I really should stay in? I know it’s wrong to assume that everyone in the industry is like that, or to try an jump ship so soon after making gains, but I just don’t know. All I do know is that I feel like a piece of crap right now.

Some Thoughts…

(Source: Facebook.)

I don’t have TV in my home right now. I haven’t had access since before I got laid off from my job and became homeless. Which leads me to watching everything by way of digital streaming and DVD. I didn’t watch the Golden Globes because of limited access, however, I tried to keep up with the program by way of recorded highlights and Twitter. There were two major takeaways I wanted to address because they involve a bit of shaming, self-righteousness, and hypocrisy.

First: Why are we shaming actresses who are not wearing black?

It wasn’t required dress code for the Golden Globes. It was an option to wear if you wanted to stand in solidarity with the women who were abused. That’s not an open invitation to abuse more women who chose not to wear black. We don’t know their stories or motivations as to why. Truthfully, it’s not our business to know. Much of the shaming came from other women too, which is incredibly disappointing and hypocritical.

Second: I understand the point Natalie Portman was trying to get across.

She was genuinely trying to call out the selection committee for not choosing any women directors for a nomination. Yeah that is wrong. The people that are siding with her, missed that major point and for some reason got mad at the nominees. Lest we not forget, Guillermo Del Toro, who is from Mexico; the country which bigoted constituents from my country are rallying to build a wall against; the country which our current leadership says has “Bad Hombres” coming from there; the country which our leadership deemed so dangerous, that they have emboldened ICE more than ever to rip families (including women) apart, and wrongfully profiled legal American citizens…

won.

Sometimes we get caught up in the marginalization of women that we forget about other marginalized groups as well. But I have already addressed that issue a few posts ago.

(Source: Facebook.)

Stans

(Source: Urban Dictionary, contributed by Terminator-C)

As I logged onto Twitter this morning I saw a massive outcry about a video posted by YouTuber Logan Paul. Apparently he and his crew went to a forest in Japan that is said to be haunted by people who commit suicide there and no one is permitted to enter the forest. Not only did Paul and his crew break the rules, they also discovered a corpse that was hanging from a tree, then proceeded to laugh and joke about it. This is troubling as hell, but not as troubling as the fans who are defending him; which is what I want to talk about today.

We have a huge problem with Stanning here in the U.S. currently, and it has become increasingly frustrating and damaging to the human spirit as a whole. So far I have read online from a few of his Stans:

“He is just trying to raise awareness for suicide.”

“Laughing and joking is just a way to cope with something so shocking.”

My favorite one…”he is literally trying to save the world by raising awareness.”

(Source: Facebook.)

Nah.

What he attempted to do was give a half-assed lecture about suicide awareness as justification to post the videos and display his douchebaggery. He was not trying to save the world and only regretted the backlash he received from followers that are not Stans. His apology was equally as shitty.

(Source: Facebook.)

So what is the psychology behind Stanning? That I can’t explain. Though I do notice that it tends to happen, more often than not, to public people who see little to no repercussions for their actions. Even with this kind of backlash, Logan Paul will be able to worm his way out of it somehow and maybe that’s why they root for him…because they want to be able to get away with bad behavior.

(Source: Purplekecleon Tumblr.)

Even I had an exchange with a Stan. You can see in the comments section of my post “Dear Amber Rose” which they could not defend her rude comments about the women from Philadelphia. However if I listened to the rest of her interview it would somehow redeem her in my eyes. I took their recommendation and watched the whole interview and the result I came to was that her rude comment about Philly women contradicts her overall feminist message. No, she didn’t win me over.

(Source: Facebook.)

Which leads me to some thoughts about my situation. As you well know, I too work in the entertainment industry. I want to create good content and generate an audience that supports me and keeps me working. However, I don’t want to get to the point where I believe I’m untouchable. It’s already been a struggle to get to where I’m at presently, and sustaining it will be even harder. It may have to come down to whether the pressure to sustain is greater than the loss of leaving. While I’m not famous by any means, I think I will have to walk away if it comes to the point where I’m too comfortable to defend the indefensible, or I’m too passive and let Stans run wild.

In any case, it’s not healthy. No one should be held at the same pedestal as a Deity, no matter how famous or important you are.

A Hard Promise To Myself

(Source: Real Housewives of Atlanta, Bravo TV)

A concern was brought up to me by my mom and I’m in agreement with her. Since my school has officially been approved for deferment until September 2018, anything I do now must be dedicated to my success in school. She could care less that I go to school (I am an adult and can make my own decisions after all), but she knows that attending college overseas has been a dream of mine since I was a kid. She doesn’t want to see me lose it. So that leads me to make some hard promises and agreements with myself:

•If (in the unlikely event) of me meeting a guy that I want to date, I’m to never compromise for him. Either he is just going to have to make a way to see me in Ireland or not at all.

•I should still be acting as if I’m moving there. I’m not going to be comfortable where I’m at in Delaware and should be completely uprooted.

•I’m also working a regular job until it is time to go, so I have money and I’m not struggling to live or pay rent in Ireland.

•This is still my dream and unless I land some massive role in a major motion picture, I’m not to be distracted from it.

This should be fairly easy as I have way less patience for people wasting my time like they did in the previous years. 2018 is officially the “Get My Life Together” year.

Hollywood Feminism

(Source: The View ABC.)

I really wanted to avoid posting about this topic at all, however I cannot hold in what I feel about this anymore. Why? Let me show you the photo:

(Source: LA Times. What’s wrong with this picture?)

The reason why I call it “Hollywood Feminism” is due to the new wave of feminism made cool again, by famous women who are not of color, wealthy, cisgendered, and contemptuous of women who do sex work. We applaud these women and give them a damn medal, but the voices of women of color, transgender, and sex workers are missing. It just makes me want to throw up.

I will be flamed for this post, but I don’t care anymore. It makes it next to impossible for me to fight for the movement, when at the end of the day, my voice is neglected to be heard. No one cares, no one believes me, I don’t matter. So why should I bother?

(Source: Snapchat.)

There are ways to improve this narrative that is healthy for all: Like INCLUDING WOMEN OF COLOR IN THESE INTERVIEWS. Believe us when we also report that we have been sexually assaulted (side eyeing you Lena Dunham.)

Hire us, stop casting us in stereotypical roles, or whitewashing roles that are meant for us. Allow us to tell original stories and not reboot crap all of the time. It’s amazing what difference it will make in the long run.

End Rant.

I’m Stuck…

(Source: Someecards.)

The decision to go to school is rapidly approaching and this is everything I have ever wanted. However something else came up that I have always wanted too: my union eligibility.

(Source: Memegenerator.net)

Why not both? There are a lot of factors that come into play:

•Money. I don’t have an abundance of it and I don’t have the good credit needed to take out a loan for either school or for my initiation fee. All of it will come out of my pocket. I’m stuck in an either/or situation.

•I won’t be able to take advantage of my union membership fully if I’m out of the country and in school. I’m not saying they aren’t available, on the contrary, SAG is a world-wide union. However, my school schedule will be a full course load and they have a strict attendance policy. This means I won’t be able to miss any days to shoot, otherwise I will fail the course. Plus, in order to work in my new country, I have to be approved for a work permit. Which could take up to two months for that to happen, and I’m only permitted to work 20 hours a week during the semester.

• There are more gigs stateside that I am a better fit for. (Believe me, I checked.) Working on some of those with a union contract would greatly improve my financial situation.

• I was supposed to be fully eligible back in September, but the production company cut my shoot schedule from 3 days, down to 2. The fact that I earned my last waiver so late in the year, and so close to when I would have just said yes, and take off for Ireland gives me major pause. I feel like I’m on the cusp of something big here and I don’t know what it is.

•But still, it’s Ireland and what I really wanted. I collapsed and had a nervous breakdown when I couldn’t go. To just turn it away now would be insane. I don’t think the scholarship offer is set in stone if I need to push back my start date. But I really can’t afford to start right now either.

Needless to say, I’m sick and guilty about the whole situation. What do I do?

After Audition Review, Life Assessment and Self-Care

(Source: Someecards.)

As expected, I bombed my audition. I forgot the words to my monologue and my song, and just couldn’t recover. My nerves got the best of me, as well as the feeling of a panic attack coming on. Oh well.

If there was ever a better reason for more training, this is it. My lack of experience showed it’s ass last night. After my horrible audition, I had to go out to work in the snow, to put out real estate signs (the reality of being kind of a loser hit me right there and then.)

(Source: Spongebob Squarepants and Nickelodeon.)

I’m going to have to make some assessments about what I’m doing with my life and work; because even though I’m making some ground, I have to wade through a lot of crap to get there. No, I don’t expect to have things come easy. However, I shouldn’t be left worse off than when I started. A woman I follow by the name of Lux Atl (she’s an awesome lady) on social media asked an open question: how did you grow in 2017? I really didn’t have a good takeaway. Yes, I have had some damn good things happen to me this year; but the steps for me to get there left me angrier, sadder, less trusting, and for the most part…exhausted. I don’t feel like that is a good sign of growth, and trying to practice gratitude under those circumstances makes me feel more guilty that I’m worn out.

(Source: Facebook.)

So where does that leave me right now? Well, I decided to practice some self-care today by going to the Christmas Village in Center City between my work shifts at the Playhouse. I figure if I take in some of the sights and the sounds, I could possibly get into the Christmas spirit. I also may pop by a consignment store too for a pair of new jeans since I’m on my third busted denim casualty of the year.

Her…

(Source: Pinterest, uploaded by Sabine Julieka Danleon.)

I’m about a week late with this post. Last Wednesday marked my childhood friend’s 33rd birthday. The beginning of January will be the 5th anniversary of her death.

Around this time 5 years ago, I had wished her a Merry Christmas on Facebook. She had announced that she was planning to visit Delaware and she was hoping to spend time with family and meet up with old friends including me. I told her I missed her and I love her and that I will see her soon. When she got to Delaware, she had a serious falling out with her mother which ended up with her going back home. Her cousin, who is also her best friend, let me know that she was devastated. A week later she passed away.

I was so numb when I heard the news. I didn’t cry, not because I wasn’t upset, but because I knew she wasn’t in pain anymore. Without going into deep details, she, along with her siblings had a troubled life. She left 3 children behind, along with many friends. When the news broke that she passed, the outpouring of love she received was on a grand scale. I had some dreams about her during this time that she has been gone that I want to share with you:

• Immediately after her passing, she visited me in my new apartment. She looked around without speaking and giving me approval that I did a good job. She later giggled (she had a distinctive laugh) and blew as hard in my ear to wake me up (she was a prankster too.)

• This dream occurred a week after my car accident. It was really weird as it was semi-prophetic and the situation played out as she said: I was walking on a path when I heard a man’s voice telling me that my friend wanted to speak with me. All of a sudden I heard her voice clear as day warning me about her sister, and how she was going to make my life a living hell, instead of getting the help she needs to make hers better (her sister is the individual I referred here as The Snake.) The rest of the dream was about her visiting me again in my waking life. She said that she will be dressed as Captain America (there was a little girl at Wizard World who had the same name as my friend and she was dressed as Captain America. 💗) She also said she was staying at the United States Marine Corps HQ (I figured this was in reference to Quantico, since that is the real USMC HQ, and my first foray into national television.) The last thing she said was “I’ll see you in California. I love you and I miss you.” …….This one I have no idea about. I went to California this past summer, but other than having a nice time with my friends, nothing profound happened. I have yet to see how this plays out.

•The last dream I had was near Christmas time last year. She insisted that I study Hamlet. I read the play from my “complete works” book, but I wasn’t able to attend any of the performances this year. Thankfully, I’m a subscriber of Shakepeare Magazine, who announced that they are dedicating the whole January 2018 issue to Hamlet (weird that it coincides with her passing right?)

I think about her often and I consider her a guardian angel of mine. I know she is looking after all of her loved ones and I feel honored that I’m one of them.

The Shade Post

(Source: Facebook.)

Another thing that irritates me: if you ask me to loan you money with the promise of a payback, and I absolutely stress the payback; what business is it of yours where the rest of my money is coming or going to?

Why are you making a judgment about my habits when you are the one asking ME for money?!

Why should I even give you a dime?

My being generous to others has gotten me burned more times than I can count. It has led to me being in debt/poor, being homeless, not having a car, and not being able to secure my financial aid for Ireland. Frankly, I’m getting sick of it. And I’m sick of people feeling entitled to me doing them a favor. I’m at the point that I should just say no. Maybe I will actually make some headway.