The Wedding 👰🏽

(Source: Facebook.)

You know which wedding I’m talking about.

Wow.

Meghan was absolutely stunning and Harry was so happy. They looked so in love…I’m still an emotional pile right now.

As I said when they first got engaged, I’m living vicariously through them. With a history of bad dating experiences, coupled with financial struggles, I just can’t see myself ever getting married. Would it be nice? Yes. But my life sucks right now and I’m fighting hard to fix it. There’s no time for a guy. Plus many of them didn’t match well with me.

The only marriage I will have, is the one to my career. Cheers to that.

Cliché Dream

(Source: Hyperbole and a Half by Allie Brosh.)

You know that dream that everyone has once in their lives? The one where you show up to take a test you didn’t study for?

I had that, but instead, I wasn’t prepared for a show and my director admonished me for it.

The funny thing is it started out with the director giving me the script and said come in for tomorrow for the first rehearsal. I did that and the first rehearsal ended up being the show instead. I asked for the cast to take a vote because they were more prepared than I was, if they wanted me to leave. They preferred that I face my shame and go on with the performance like normal.

My dream basically set me up to fail and I wondered what this meant in my conscious life. No production would ever run this way, but it is a common dream amongst many of us. Is the unpreparedness a signal that we are on the wrong path? Like if we were given a quiz or a script we didn’t prepare for, is the dream telling us that we are not prepared for an important moment in our lives.

For me I’m going to say yes.

I’m trying extra hard to do the right thing, taking on extra jobs, setting myself up for success in Ireland, but something in my gut is screaming “WRONG WAY!!!” My only hope is to figure out the right way soon, so I’m not wasting my time.

Another Dream

(Taken on May 3 in New York.)

This time it was a good dream: I receive an email about finally getting to work on a project that I have been waiting on.

The real question is, how does this play out in reality? Right now I’m taking on work that is as close to the industry as I can get. However, even with all that I have accomplished, it doesn’t seem like it’s enough.

This dream that I had gave me a sliver of hope. Fingers crossed on a breakthrough.

Men…*sigh*

(Source: Twitter…I want to hug the person who made this meme.)

Let’s talk about men for a second. In previous posts I have been getting on women’s cases about “Hollywood Feminism.” Or how Amber Rose unnecessarily threw shade on women from her hometown of Philadelphia. There was also my bit about the problematic male director who was accused of not being a feminist, because he was a horrible husband. Finally the Aziz Ansari story break, in which I noticed that the woman who accused him of rape, pushed a little too far to get him to like her.

If you think this makes me anti-woman, you would be incorrect. We as women, unfortunately, are held to an impossibly high and/or double standard by men for several millennia. Somehow we have to be drop-dead gorgeous, be domestic, smart…but not smarter than the man interested in us (otherwise we would be seen as intimidating), be nurturing, and sex goddesses all at the same time. Even though I have called out women in the past, it’s because they are trying to play the same game that men do.

Let me repeat that:

WOMEN👏🏽SHOULD👏🏽NOT👏🏽PLAY 👏🏽THE 👏🏽SAME👏🏽STUPID👏🏽GAME👏🏽THAT👏🏽MEN👏🏽DO👏🏽

(Source: Twitter.)

I read a couple of posts on Twitter today, that inspired this post.

1) The celebrity who put his wife on blast about their sex life and the double standard that he holds for her. He was rightfully roasted for what he said, because it was absolutely atrocious. (I sincerely hope there is some sort of apology or divorce in the future.)

2) “Incels” or “Involuntarily Celebate” men who direct their rage towards women with fantasies or rape and torture.

What it ultimately tells me is that men are incredibly insecure. I figure it’s how they were raised by the generation of men before them.

•Where it’s not ok to express themselves except with rage.

•They were taught the world owes them something. Women owe them something. They are entitled because they are men!

•Their measure of worth is determined by how much is in their bank account, or their public status.

•How much sex they get as opposed to the quality of sex they get.

It pains me to say this, but it’s only going to get worse from here. It also saddens me that I know what you’re going to say next:

Not all men.

(Source: Facebook.)

Until those angelic, non-problematic men call out and correct the archaic system by which they run society, we will remain at a stalemate.

A Very Obvious Publicity Stunt

(Source: memegenerator.net and Facebook.)

Black Slaves did opt out of slavery…it was called The Underground Railroad, and that mission for freedom was fraught with danger.

But that is beside the point.

This is a publicity stunt performed by, what many call, a malignant narcissist. I’ve been talking about publicity stunts for the last few posts and I find the act to be fascinating. Mainly because it begs the question:

What depth is a celebrity willing to go, to make money?

In my “expert” opinion, as someone who takes many odd jobs for a quick buck, I would say this particular depth is somewhere near the Earth’s core.

However, I don’t have it in me to throw my ancestors under the bus. My elders raised me on the stories of our family’s past. It’s too horrific for me to deny or diminish what happened to them for a dollar. That’s plain evil.

Kind of a Bum

(Photo taken today. Filter courtesy of Instagram.)

I have things going on, and yet I don’t have things going on. On the positive side:

• I got booked to work Tribeca Film Festival this year.

• I got a mentor to help me with my voiceover portfolio.

• I have two jobs at the pole studio and the movie theatre.

On the downside though:

• I haven’t been doing much performing.

Much of my depression, I believe, comes from the fact that I don’t feel like I’m doing enough; even though I’m doing plenty.

There are a couple of things coming up that I’m going to try to dip my toes into. First and foremost: Saturday Night Live has this Saturday and next where they will air an episode. I applied for this weekend, but if they don’t take me this weekend, I’ll definitely apply next weekend since I’m already going to be in NYC for Tribeca’s orientation. Also the community theatre in NJ (that I had the amazing ‘As You Like It’ audition, even though I didn’t get picked) is holding auditions for ‘Twelfth Night’. Which is funny, because I bombed the last ‘TN’ audition with Shakespeare in Clark Park, Philadelphia. Maybe I’m just supposed to try again with a different group. It would be earlier in the Summer, which is good, and in a very hip little town in Jersey. The only conflict is transportation, but I will figure something out.

Ultimately, I need to get out of this rut. Especially since it appears that most of my friends are working on various projects and shows (like Creed 2, which surprise, surprise…I didn’t get picked again 😏.) I don’t want to get into that jealous phase where I’m judging myself by another person’s highlight reel; so I really need to do something of my own soon. Even if the part is tiny, I don’t care. I want to be productive.

I’m Depressed

(Source: Facebook.)

My depression works in mysterious ways. There are days when the reality of my situation is a little too bleak; I’m lonely; or my favorite, absolutely no reason at all.

Today, all three of them are rearing their ugly heads at me, making it a difficult day. What I normally try to do is write a gratitude journal or write to God about my feelings. Sadly, I have a number of writing jobs besides journaling, and I haven’t accomplished any of them; with the exception of this post.

It could be Mercury Retrograde kicking my butt. However, I don’t find that likely. It doesn’t hit me as hard as it does for my friends. I will concede that I have been restless, having weird dreams (which are weighing heavily on my mind), and losing the job I thought would save me. I believe these things are adding fuel to the fire.

Speaking of the dreams…

I don’t know if my loneliness is spurring on the dreams, or if the dreams are spurring on my loneliness; but I keep dreaming that I meet my future boyfriend.

The reason why this is depressing is because I have had recurring dreams about this mystery guy for the better part of a decade to no avail. As I mentioned in previous posts, most of my dreams do translate to reality somehow, but not this one for some reason. I’ve dreamt about my first boyfriend a week before I met him. I’ve dreamt about the guy, who eventually ripped my heart to shreds, a couple of days before I met him (I curse the fact that my dreams didn’t tell me to run from him sooner.) If I were to interpret this dream, I would say that it’s my inner desire to be loved, not necessarily that it’s supposed to happen in real life. He is a fictional character meant to keep me hopeful so I don’t give up on life. It’s weird though, the dreams are frequent and extremely strong right now compared to the past. I don’t know what to think anymore, I’m so confused.

Anyway, this was something I wanted to get off my chest. Honestly writing about it, even though it’s public, is helping me quite a bit. Thanks for listening.

Wow, Wow, and More Wow!

(Source: Facebook.)

I have an amazing support group. I quit my very brief job at the restaurant and in the same week, one of my closest friends set up a fundraiser on my behalf! The fundraiser will provide the down payment I need to get into SAG. I can pay off the rest while I’m working on projects. Plus, I still have my two jobs at the pole studio and the independent movie theatre which will help me stay alive. I’m beyond words of how grateful I am to her and everyone that gave me money. My biggest wish is to work on a major project, with a decent sized part, so they can see where their investment took me.

Rest

(Source: Facebook.)

Earlier this month, I read my March horoscope. The advice that was given:

Take as many naps as possible this month. You are going to need it.

I found it hilarious that a horoscope would give me this advice, but you know what? I do need it.

Tomorrow is the first day of training at my new job. I also have a private pole dance lesson to teach that night. On Friday, I have a modeling gig and later, I need to be at Wilmington Drama League to work their lights again. Pretty much for the rest of March, I’m going to be running between three jobs, a community theatre gig, a modeling gig, and a podcast interview.

I’m going to take a nap right now. ✌🏽

Ash Wednesday

(Source: Facebook.)

Today is Valentine’s Day and also Ash Wednesday. I went to church because my grandfather was delivering the sermon at the noon mass today. He is retired as a Reverend Canon, but on occasion he will speak to the congregation. The sermon itself was quite interesting because I find it to be relevant to some issues happening in the world today: Virtue Signaling and Outrage Culture.

Now technically, me talking about Ash Wednesday to begin with is a form of Virtue Signaling to begin with and I will keep my thoughts brief. However, I did want to share my takeaway from the sermon as it relates to what I see. First, Jesus’ teachings talk about how being overtly pious or virtuous for the sake of acknowledgement doesn’t reward us in the long run. Think about it: don’t we know at least one person whether public or private who behaves this way? It’s not to say that they don’t do good things, but it’s almost as if doing the good things to be recognized, only fuels their ego and comes off as not genuine. (I know of a handful of famous people in my industry who behave this way, but I won’t name them.) I think that has to wear on the psyche over time. Because if you have one slip-up of just being human, it’s far too easy to get torn down for it. Which is why, even though I’m perfectly guilty of being a Virtue Signaler, I’m also guilty of being a Hot Mess too. Balance is key.

Second, Outrage Culture. I’m definitely part of the pitchfork mob of Outrage Culture. Many of us are, and we have gotten to the point where even simple human error is grounds for a shunning. With that said, there are plenty of people who do horrible things, NO EXCEPTIONS. The real question is, how can we make corrections to the bad behavior, without turning bad ourselves? Because one day, that same hammer is going to fall on our heads and we won’t have anyone to blame but ourselves.