Yesterday was my last working shift at Firefly. I bumped into the HR woman in charge of hiring me. I gave her my thanks as she was super helpful in giving me the information I needed not only for the bartending gig, but for the stage crew gig as well. I gave her the whole rundown of the events that happened: getting hired for brew crew, not getting called by the stage crew people until the day of the festival when I already committed to the other job, the stress of having to turn down the crew job I wanted for the job I committed to first. She was very sweet and gave me this word of advice “No worries dear. Sometimes you have to go to the dance with the boy who asked you first. It was just meant to work out like that.” Mind-blowing and she was right. I’m now going to use that advice with whatever I do from now on. Maybe I’m not actually the Goddess of Poor Timing.
By this time next week I will be out on the west coast to visit my friends. One of my friends in particular I look forward to seeing because I read her tarot cards every year. This time will be different for many reasons: first, this will be the first time that I will read her in person. Second, I bought a pretty new deck to read her with. Third, I enrolled in a class taught by Veronica Varlow on how to give better readings.
Even though I’m Episcopalian, I still get drawn to the realm of the metaphysical, and tarot for me is a great tool. I don’t get rattled by it like many in the Christian faith do as, more often than not (at least in my case) the tarot depicts what a person’s current situation is and how to improve it. That is how I approach my readings as well. They tend to be very lighthearted, small readings. I keep the questions very general and usually only asking “what’s next?” I use very visually beautiful cards and I don’t always use reversals (although it’s in good practice). I tend to let the cards speak to me and let them pop up for a better reading. (See Doreen Virtue’s approach to her Angel Card readings.) Overall, I keep gloom and doom to a minimum.
I’m also offering a little plug to all that read this. As you know I’m going to college overseas in September. Even though I have applied for all of the financial aid that I can, I still need a chunk of money in my account to prove to the Irish government that I can financially support myself. I decided to do a fundraiser using small tarot readings for $7 to help me go to school. If any of you are interested please leave me a comment or email for more info. I take PayPal and I am working on getting a Venmo account too. Thank you.
It seems that every time I break down into uncontrollable sobbing, the next day it manifests into something amazing. This happened when I got accepted for school, when I cry about money, when I generally feel like my life is going nowhere: and then BOOM!!! PROGRESS!!
What the hell?
As much as I like having increase in my life, the fact that I have to go into a mode of deep depression is not my idea of a good time. But then again…it’s not supposed to be my idea of a good time, but that of my creator. I couldn’t possibly tell you why this is, maybe it’s to show that I really want it. Maybe it’s negative energy I need to release in order for the good to come in. It could possibly be an alarm telling me that the good is coming and uses my tears as an indicator. Whatever way it is, let’s just say that currently I’m a hot mess of tears, and that most likely means something amazing is going to happen tomorrow. 😭😭😭😭
Part of the reason why I’m horribly depressed is due to my environment. I live in Wilmington, DE; dubbed by Newsweek in 2014 as:
The statistics are horrendous. As of yesterday, our city has had its 78th victim in the year to date.
One of the 23 homicides in the year 2014 was a former co-worker of mine: Crystal Brown, who’s family has yet to get justice as no one in the area will report who delivered the fatal shot that night. She was an innocent bystander exiting a corner store after buying snacks.
Back in 2015 there were talks of Jada Pinkett-Smith starring in and being the executive producer of an ABC television pilot with the same title “Murder Town” which caused an uproar in our city. The issue was not only the plot (the only black female district attorney of Wilmington, DE takes on a highly political case along with dealing with the pressures of her job) but there was also no indication of the show actually being filmed in Wilmington; which would at least bring some much needed money to our city, since poverty is the biggest factor for crime. ABC has since dropped this project.
My heart hurts for this city. We are rich in history but it is being overshadowed by poverty, homelessness, high crime, and being held in contempt by our suburban neighbors:
My hope is, that there is industry that comes to this city and helps pull my neighbors out of this nightmare. Without gentrification (which is occurring here. We are 66% African American population and the majority currently) and won’t go out of business suddenly. This is all I could ask for.
Remember me telling you about the guy that I was in love with and broke my heart? Who suddenly reached out to me out of the blue a couple of months ago? Well he reached out to me again over the past few days on one of my social media sites to see how I was. And now because of that, I’m in a poor mood today.
No, I’m not going back to him. No, he is not making any attempt to try and date me either. Besides, he lives too far away as it is and I’m not interested in any long distance relationships. What I do think is happening, is that this is an unhealed situation that is brimming back to the surface. How do I know that, well I like to think that God leaves clues and the big one left for me was in the form of a video I watched the other day. It talked about how we treat unrequited love as something romantic when in fact it is absolute torture. In the past I have hoped and prayed that this guy would come to his senses. That somehow he would catch on that I’m the perfect woman for him, but that didn’t happen. I was too blinded by his potential instead of who he actually was to see why this wouldn’t work. He was in the military. He lived abroad in Africa for a bit and worked in the local communities. He was well read and had proper manners. He was clean cut and carried himself well. Worked with charities…but…He is a womanizer. Because of this, he was sexist. He would blatantly tell me he didn’t want a relationship with me and yet would still say that I the one he wants (I was foolish to go along with that and that was my fault for not establishing that boundary.) He wasn’t a good man even though he tried to portray himself as a good man to the public eye. And I fell for it.
So because of this, I think it’s best if I don’t date at all. There was someone like him afterward that I liked briefly, but yet again, he was too much like the unrequited love guy.
This is a lonely path, but it’s the only way I feel. There was a time when I really wanted to be in love and be married, but love just causes too much pain. But I’m grateful to have gotten to this point and know that this is a very toxic situation that I never want to get into again. Love just isn’t meant for everyone, like me.
Today I applied for a celebrity writing job. I have written about some of my frustrations with those type of journalists and how “click-baity” their sites can be; so the irony is not lost on me that my desperation for money has taken me down this dark path. Truth be told, I may not get it because 1) they wanted a blogger with 2+ years worth of experience and I only have less than a year. 2) The writing samples I chose from this page that is about celebrities, either had to do with comic cons or were incredibly snarky. 3) I’m just not cool enough to hang out in those kind of circles and 4) I’m admittedly a little bitter.
Hence the title of this post…Battling Schadenfreude. For those who are not familiar with this word, it’s German and it’s definition is: to experience joy from someone else’s misery. Especially if you are a little envious and seeing someone fail, that puts a song in your heart for some reason. But it’s a little tricky. I mean on many levels, this is very mean-spirited. You wouldn’t want someone to celebrate your downfall, so why do it to someone else? I did a little research on the subject and found that schadenfreude was found to be most prevalent by people who collectively do not like someone. A recent example of this is the failed Fyre Festival. Many people were so excited to see wealthy people get duped out of their money. With the mass income inequality going around, it makes sense. We poor people hate the rich for flaunting their wealth and leaving us out of the club. When they lost out on their money because of a poorly executed festival, it felt like Christmas. But…
This is really bad energy to put out. Why?
Because your deepest desires is to be one of those people. And…
Hate and resistance actually hinder your blessings. So…
You have to change the mindset of hate if you want to be part of that club.
Whatever your resist will persist, it’s better to embrace the fact that your station in life is not theirs, but you will make the best of what you have in front of you. And who knows…
Maybe the person you are experiencing schadenfreude on, secretly is jealous of you too. You never know.
My goal is to identify why I feel this way and figure out how to end it. My reason is due to receiving some news yesterday about a person that failed miserably, and I was too happy; to the point that I had to apologize to God for feeling that way.
I have not seen this show. I’m on the fence about it really. However, since I’m connected to my family and friends on social media, they have opened up a platform for discussion. Here’s why I’m on the fence about it:
In the recent past, I have felt suicidal. Believe it or not, getting accepted to school kind of saved me from stepping off of the ledge so to speak.
A time when it was really bad was this past Summer of 2016. I was so depressed and nauseous, that I couldn’t eat. I had hoped that starvation would have been my end. Even now I question why I survived my car accident. So watching this show may be too much of a trigger for me while I’m trying to get my mind right.
While (thank goodness) I have never been a victim of rape, I have been a victim of bullying when I was 12. It was a horrible experience and I was triggered with those feelings again when the poor girl Amy Joyner Francis, who attended my sister high school, died after being jumped by several girls in the bathroom. They bragged about her death afterward on social media. I still don’t think they were punished enough in court. Watching a show that includes this would only put me into a tailspin of rage.
There are reports that the character’s suicide was a subtle act of revenge. That somehow in her death those who wronged her now are suddenly overcome with grief, guilt, and completely change their ways…As I wrote in the paragraph above, the girls who caused Miss Francis’ death felt no remorse. The only ones who did were the people who loved and supported her to begin with. So that right there, is an almost guaranteed backfire. On top of that, it’s almost sociopathic…Here’s my explanation, one of the friendships I had to cut off recently was due to Self-Victimization. She took a tragedy in her life as a means of manipulation and abuse to others who were not the originators of the tragedy. In my case, it actually put me in a physically dangerous position when, as it turns out, she had no intentions resolving the problem. Even worse, she had a mass of support to help her RECOVER from the tragedy, and not only refuse the help, but spit in our faces in the process. In the character’s case (and so I heard) she actually had someone who wanted to help her while she was still alive. She turned it down. Then killed her self. Then made a tape dedicated to him to make him feel guilty for her death….I’m sorry, that classifies this as something a sociopath would do.
The only thing that completely prevents me from saying “No” to this show is the fact that it has opened up conversation. Suicide is something that gets glossed over quite a bit, so having a safe space to talk about it now is quite refreshing. Who knows when I will start in this show, but it won’t be right now while I’m still too vulnerable.