There is a lot going on in this world right now, as well as in my personal life. Like I detailed before, much of it I was advised not to talk about on this blog. Because of that advice, I'm keeping it all within a journal. Not hard since I already keep one for work. The sad thing is, looking at my words written down reflects how truly low and angry I feel. I'm beginning to see where hate stems from: inadequacy and broken dreams.
(Source: Greg Mania on Twitter.)
The new IKEA catalog came out and I received it in the mail yesterday. It's a little bittersweet especially since I'm no longer moving to Ireland. What I like about it is that it gets the wheels turning in my head. What would my future home look like and where will it be? I already know from having cleaned large mansions that I really want something small and modest. This is funny since it goes against my zodiac of Taurus, who lives for luxury and having many expensive things to brag about.
But…I was recently very poor and at one point: homeless, so having the largest and most expensively filled home is not on my priority list. I'd rather have that money in my pocket for emergencies, the occasional splurge every now and then, and the freedom of time. As much as I like to work, I don't want to work so much to maintain my home that I don't get to enjoy living in it. My first priority is to move out from where I am right now. (Probably to Philadelphia.) Next will be to furnish my home. (IKEA!) After that, lots and lots of gigs mixed with couch potato time.
Yesterday I was scheduled to work a gig at an event that would have paid me a little bit of money. The company ended up not needing me, which added to the list of lost gigs that I had this summer. Me, trying to be transparent, posted about my lost gig on my regular social media site. Some people misinterpreted as me quitting acting for good, even though I said I'm not but taking a different approach. Needless to say I got a little frustrated and made another post to clarify the situation which led me to getting a text from a friend of mine with some advice.
Basically he told me that I have such a huge support system now and everyone wants to help, although he admits it may not be the help that I'm looking for. So I have to tread carefully from here on out and not get frustrated with them. He's right. However it puts me in a very awkward position as I feel that now I can't be transparent anymore. I may have to flat out lie about my life being sunshine and rainbows when it's really not.
So it pains me to say this, but now all of my social media, including this blog, is not going to have as many updates unless it's good news. I don't think I'm a fashion influencer with the M2M network anymore (I emailed them to see if I was doing enough but got no response) but I think I will post more fillers from them. Also get back to writing my story prompts since I have to flesh out a story around the theme and vocabulary they give me.
This seems extreme, but there is good reason for it. I've already lost two friends from misunderstanding and I really don't have it in me to lose more.
A guy that I flat out told that I'm not going to date, messaged me today to "check on me." I sound like a horrible person writing about my annoyance of this; but I want to clarify that I, have a really bad pattern of attracting or dating men who don't really care about me. What does this mean? Doesn't that guy care enough to check on you? The answer is no. What he's really doing is checking to see if I changed my mind about not dating him and that is what bothers me.
It's becoming increasingly difficult to find a guy that is genuine. Especially now that I am an actress and a model. Something about being in this career field is appealing to men. Much of it, I'm sure has to do with bragging rights. Who doesn't want to date a model/actress? The issue here is that it violates a rule that I have…the 23:6 rule.
I adopted this rule from a friend of mine. We discussed (over many shots of whiskey and after my awful heartbreak) why I should really hold out and be selfish about what I really want in a guy. This is what he told me:
For at least 1 hour every day and 1 day every week, the person you are dating will consider you to be the most ideal. Be it your looks, your job, your income status, your personality. But what about those other 23 hours of the day and those other 6 days of the week? The time when you are not so loveable? The time when that job you have takes more time than you can spend with him? When you gain weight? When money is really tight? When you're having a bad day and you need time to recuperate? If he can't love you at the worst time in your life, he is not permitted to love you at your best time.
My friend is so right. I apply this rule with every man that I meet now. Especially if he gives indication that I am only going to be a convenience, and not a priority to him.
(Circa July 2017. On site of the commercial for MD Anderson Cooper Cancer Center.)
If you saw my Instagram post (which is featured on the bottom of this site) you would have seen that I took a walk this afternoon. I was severely depressed and I wanted to clear my head. After taking that walk I went to Starbucks and saw my friend Gail from Reedy Point. She asked me about the shenanigans that happened on Saturday. She also talked about industrial shoots and gave me a new casting agency to check out. During that conversation, I realized that I made more money doing industrial type work than anything I have ever done for tv and film as an extra. Even if I don't have lines, I have a featured part or the production company has a better budget.
The shoot I participated in where the photo above was taken, only took about 4 hours to shoot and I made double what I did working 14 hours on a national television show or major film. So I think I have found my niche.
I would still love speaking parts, but more than likely that would be from live theatre. I submitted myself to several things after I got back home that either were related to medical, industrial, or commercial. We'll see who calls me back.
I took one of those mini quizzes on Facebook this morning. I wanted to distract myself from the shenanigans I call my daily life, and it seemed like the fun thing to do. Until I got my result. It was about what big event will happen to me this month. The answer…I Will Get Pregnant.
Actually, being a mother is something I have always wanted to be. However, I had this idea in my head that I will meet a man I would call the love of my life and we would start a family together. The chances of meeting that guy are extremely low, but motherhood is still on an all time high.
(Source: piecomic.com and John McNamee)
I did have a small taste of what it would be like to be a mom when my late friend and her infant son lived with me over a decade ago. It was a lot of work, but it didn't scare me away from being a mom. Even now, I have come to the conclusion that although there will be no man in the picture, I am still going to become a mom.
Just not this month.
This shoot is going to have live updates all the way through so strap in, it's going to be a bumpy ride.
I should have just followed my intuition when I got the email for this project this morning. My fault for being stupid, not wording my responses strong enough, and not sticking to my gut.
Pretty much from the jump I told the casting director of this project that if not having a reel would disqualify me from having a part to disregard my application.
Instead they felt that I was qualified enough to be a part of it. The next email I received included the part about being
willing to be a part of the background.
And here was my mistake…I should have said "No, I'm not willing" instead of
I'm really pissed at myself for this whole situation. Part of me does not want to show up, but as I already confirmed to be there (after receiving the script BTW which I shouldn't see if I'm not talking) would be unprofessional on my part. I'm not getting paid for this, I have to bring my own costuming, I have to pay for train fare to get there just to waste my time and money. And now I feel even worse for complaining about this as it makes me sound like a Diva. The only reason I'm still going is because the production company probably has no idea that I wanted a speaking part as this entire booking was done through a casting director. Do you see why I was seeking out an agent? So I wouldn't get screwed like this. Not only am I the Goddess of Poor Timing but of Poor Wording as well. Fuck my life.
(Source: Yuri!!! On Ice. Viktor Nikiforov 💗)
So what I thought was "No" was actually a very delayed "Yes" the film project wrote me back and sent me a script. I still have no idea what part I'm playing (there are only 2 female speaking parts and the rest are background.) I sincerely hope I have one of the parts as I really need the experience to list on my resume. The only reason why I agreed is because of the concept of the script.
I can't go into too much detail but what I will say is that I could be a witch in this shoot. (Since I'm a crystal hoarding, tarot reading, incense burning, somewhat clairvoyant woman with a very loose Christian affiliation; playing a witch is probably closer to who I really am.) This also fulfills my dream role of playing Hecate in The Scottish Play. (Which was already cast when I came to audition last year 😢 However, I'm not playing Hecate in this shoot.)
Another good thing about this film is that they want us to wear as much black as possible. (Easy enough for me, that is the staple color in my wardrobe.) They also want us to bring a prop.(My tarot cards of course!)
One more thing to add about this film is that it is structured very similarly like my story writing prompts. This is a film competition with the contest runners making up strict rules that the production crew has to follow.
•A specific set of lines need to be included.
•A specific character and their background has to be included
•The production company has a time limit as to how long this film will run (roughly about 5 to 6 minutes.)
Both the lines and the character were selected in a random drawing last night and the writers had to structure the story around that. All of this shoots tonight and be a completely finished product by tomorrow night. (Talk about pressure!)
Hopefully, with their permission, I can share the final product with you on a later post.
Well, as you can gather by the meme it was a "No" on both fronts. Believe it or not I'm ok with both.
I was certain with the film project even after inviting me to work without providing a reel, that they were going to use me as background. I do enough now as it is.
With the Shakespeare audition, it could have been a number of things; all of which I won't get into, but I'm very happy to have had such a positive audition experience with them. I know they picked the best person for the role whom ever it is.
I feel really good because I stood my ground, especially on the film project due to wanting more. I wasn't expecting a huge leading role; I would have been happy to take a really small part even it meant saying one line or one word. But I still wanted that speaking part. So it will just be theatre from here on out unless someone is compelled to put me in their film.
As of now most of what I have coming up won't be for another month and I put so much energy into scrambling for money that I'm kinda drawing a blank on what to do now. Do I take a mental vacation or do I continue to scramble?
I just got out from my audition for the role of Orlando in As You Like It, and I feel pretty damn good about it!
Will I be offered the part? Who knows.
When I auditioned for my very first production (which happened to be Troilus and Cressida) I will admit that I had the "nervous poops". This time I felt confident with the text and speaking the language. Much of that is to do with the sheer number and quality of productions I have performed in prior (and a little bit of studying too.)
No matter what happens, I felt like I was home again. Auditioning for Shakespeare was the correct choice for my confidence.