I booked background on a show my grandma loves to watch. But that’s not the good news: the good news is I will be working 4 days on this show which means MONEY!!! 💵💵💵
I put in for the job in the first place because of my grandma. Even though I have worked on other shows, the shows themselves could not hold her interest, even though she wanted to see me. With a show she loves and such a big scene (they added the fourth date for me today) it would be impossible for her not to watch!
Still, I remain cautious. I’ve been booked on jobs that kind of ripped the rug out from under my feet and said they didn’t need me anymore. So I’m not getting my hopes up too far until I’m actually on set. It sucks to fly by the seat of my pants.
There is a lot going on in this world right now, as well as in my personal life. Like I detailed before, much of it I was advised not to talk about on this blog. Because of that advice, I'm keeping it all within a journal. Not hard since I already keep one for work. The sad thing is, looking at my words written down reflects how truly low and angry I feel. I'm beginning to see where hate stems from: inadequacy and broken dreams.
Yesterday I was scheduled to work a gig at an event that would have paid me a little bit of money. The company ended up not needing me, which added to the list of lost gigs that I had this summer. Me, trying to be transparent, posted about my lost gig on my regular social media site. Some people misinterpreted as me quitting acting for good, even though I said I'm not but taking a different approach. Needless to say I got a little frustrated and made another post to clarify the situation which led me to getting a text from a friend of mine with some advice.
Basically he told me that I have such a huge support system now and everyone wants to help, although he admits it may not be the help that I'm looking for. So I have to tread carefully from here on out and not get frustrated with them. He's right. However it puts me in a very awkward position as I feel that now I can't be transparent anymore. I may have to flat out lie about my life being sunshine and rainbows when it's really not.
So it pains me to say this, but now all of my social media, including this blog, is not going to have as many updates unless it's good news. I don't think I'm a fashion influencer with the M2M network anymore (I emailed them to see if I was doing enough but got no response) but I think I will post more fillers from them. Also get back to writing my story prompts since I have to flesh out a story around the theme and vocabulary they give me.
This seems extreme, but there is good reason for it. I've already lost two friends from misunderstanding and I really don't have it in me to lose more.
A guy that I flat out told that I'm not going to date, messaged me today to "check on me." I sound like a horrible person writing about my annoyance of this; but I want to clarify that I, have a really bad pattern of attracting or dating men who don't really care about me. What does this mean? Doesn't that guy care enough to check on you? The answer is no. What he's really doing is checking to see if I changed my mind about not dating him and that is what bothers me.
It's becoming increasingly difficult to find a guy that is genuine. Especially now that I am an actress and a model. Something about being in this career field is appealing to men. Much of it, I'm sure has to do with bragging rights. Who doesn't want to date a model/actress? The issue here is that it violates a rule that I have…the 23:6 rule.
I adopted this rule from a friend of mine. We discussed (over many shots of whiskey and after my awful heartbreak) why I should really hold out and be selfish about what I really want in a guy. This is what he told me:
For at least 1 hour every day and 1 day every week, the person you are dating will consider you to be the most ideal. Be it your looks, your job, your income status, your personality. But what about those other 23 hours of the day and those other 6 days of the week? The time when you are not so loveable? The time when that job you have takes more time than you can spend with him? When you gain weight? When money is really tight? When you're having a bad day and you need time to recuperate? If he can't love you at the worst time in your life, he is not permitted to love you at your best time.
My friend is so right. I apply this rule with every man that I meet now. Especially if he gives indication that I am only going to be a convenience, and not a priority to him.
My relative and I reached out to officials at my school to discuss the issues of my funding to see if there was anything I can do or not. One thing I'm starting to notice is that there is more than one chain of command and I don't think everyone is communicating with each other.
I received an email today from a different official about something that I addressed last week with an official I'm working with and it was CC'ed with that person. So I replied and received an automatic response, which means they didn't read what I wrote.
This is not to bash the school, because they are doing what they can with what they have. My concern is that if I have to jump through this many hoops to convey the same message, this just may not be the school for me. It's a little upsetting since my relative works for this school and their name and my name is attached. (I feel that I'm making them look really bad.)
So now I'm looking at alternatives for training. I really had my heart set on moving to Dublin and that may still happen but with a different school. I have 2 options I can do now:
The Gaiety School of Acting, which is where Colin Farrell and Olivia Wilde attended.
The Lir National Academy of Dramatic Art in Trinity College; whose courses were developed by the Royal Academy of Dramatic Art in London, England.
Both are very fine schools. Applications and auditions for The Lir happen in October so I will have to move very quickly on this. The next thing is to pick up a regular job and store all of the cash that I can to hustle my butt over there.
This shoot is going to have live updates all the way through so strap in, it's going to be a bumpy ride.
I should have just followed my intuition when I got the email for this project this morning. My fault for being stupid, not wording my responses strong enough, and not sticking to my gut.
Pretty much from the jump I told the casting director of this project that if not having a reel would disqualify me from having a part to disregard my application.
Instead they felt that I was qualified enough to be a part of it. The next email I received included the part about being
willing to be a part of the background.
And here was my mistake…I should have said "No, I'm not willing" instead of
I'm really pissed at myself for this whole situation. Part of me does not want to show up, but as I already confirmed to be there (after receiving the script BTW which I shouldn't see if I'm not talking) would be unprofessional on my part. I'm not getting paid for this, I have to bring my own costuming, I have to pay for train fare to get there just to waste my time and money. And now I feel even worse for complaining about this as it makes me sound like a Diva. The only reason I'm still going is because the production company probably has no idea that I wanted a speaking part as this entire booking was done through a casting director. Do you see why I was seeking out an agent? So I wouldn't get screwed like this. Not only am I the Goddess of Poor Timing but of Poor Wording as well. Fuck my life.
Well, as you can gather by the meme it was a "No" on both fronts. Believe it or not I'm ok with both.
I was certain with the film project even after inviting me to work without providing a reel, that they were going to use me as background. I do enough now as it is.
With the Shakespeare audition, it could have been a number of things; all of which I won't get into, but I'm very happy to have had such a positive audition experience with them. I know they picked the best person for the role whom ever it is.
I feel really good because I stood my ground, especially on the film project due to wanting more. I wasn't expecting a huge leading role; I would have been happy to take a really small part even it meant saying one line or one word. But I still wanted that speaking part. So it will just be theatre from here on out unless someone is compelled to put me in their film.
As of now most of what I have coming up won't be for another month and I put so much energy into scrambling for money that I'm kinda drawing a blank on what to do now. Do I take a mental vacation or do I continue to scramble?
All you need to do is tell me I'm not doing enough for my career or making money. Especially when it comes from someone who knows I'm notorious for holding down multiple jobs at a time.
I'm in a weird spot in my life right now. I was on the verge of being fired from my conventional job because I had to call out to take on gigs. As much as I hate doing that (I'd rather make all of the money) I had to leave. When that happened instead of completely sitting on my ass, I began to help my friend with her housekeeping business and teaching on the side. With that I still felt like I needed more of a cushion, so then I put in for work from home jobs that come with schedule flexibility. You know….so I'm not poor.
But life took a different turn and even still to this day I look for work I can do while doing what I love. Now that I'm not going to school and quitting working gigs during the week, I'm in the process of looking for a regular job again. A few opportunities have come up and I'm going to make those work, along with possibly adding another job to the mix. Tell me how I'm not doing enough again?
Considering the source, it's safe to say they don't do enough. God forbid they shoulder any of their mess.
I really can't deal with people sometimes.
So I did hear back from the production group who were looking to cast actors for their film project. They added me on as a potential actor for the film. However, it's still a crapshoot if I actually get a speaking part or not; and I won't find out until tomorrow night (the film shoots on Saturday.)
A couple of positives to take away from this are 1) they still wanted me to be a part of their film and 2) if I'm not selected for a speaking part, they gave me the option to turn down a background part. That second one is important as I do enough background work already. They know that some people really do need speaking parts for their resume and don't want to waste our time.
The biggest frustration I have had is not being able to book too many film roles; and for some reason, even extreme low budget student films are putting a figurative wall up for potential talent by asking for a reel. (Customized reels are expensive and not a good return on investment if you're only booking non-paying parts. Though I get it, they want the most professional actors for their project.This is another reason why I was walking away from film, I really can't afford to pay for a reel and I'm not booking enough parts to build one organically. )
We'll see with this project though. Maybe they will take a chance on me, who knows.
I recently put in a pitch for a unique writing segment based upon my background experience. So far they like the concept and when I submitted my writing samples…crickets.
I'm not trying to take this as a "No" quite yet, however, it would not surprise me.
If you've been following my blog so far, the overall theme has been rejection and lots of very sad pitfalls. It's been very frustrating, but many of the "No's" have been to my advantage (keeping me away from things that didn't serve me well.) So I'm trying to keep this in mind.
(Source: A Random Share on Facebook)
Which leads me to this: there may be a reason why I am not going to school in Ireland. There also may be a reason why I'm not signed by an agent. Why I haven't been able to book any further film projects; and why I haven't been able to pick up any additional side income since the beginning of the year.
Although how it got to be this way was really shitty if I say so myself.
So what to do now? Well, I still have that audition for As You Like It coming up. The movie I shot background in asked me if I was available for additional days (still contemplating it since it was such a struggle to get to on Friday and it's not an official booking, just an availability check.) I also may have a possibility of a regular job soon.
Still, no guarantees. No rejections either.
Just more financial limbo.